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Minion of the Universe

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12:18 am: Fic: The Art of the Deal (SG-1)
Title: The Art of the Deal (note new title!)
Author: Littera Abactor
Fandom: Stargate
Rating: PG-13. Ish.
Author's Note: This is dedicated to Resonant, but she doesn't know me from Adam and is not responsible for any of it. It's just a mark of my esteem for her. Among other things.
Spoilers: Are you kidding?
Feedback: Please.



"We are very interested in your Earthian arts," the one with eight eyes said. "We are large fanatics – large?" He turned to Daniel, in an apparent spirit of scientific inquiry.

Great. Now he had two linguistically-fixated negotiators to deal with. And one of them was...rubbery.

"I think you might mean 'big' or 'major.' Large has a connotation more of – size. Physical size." Daniel managed to keep a straight face through that sentence; Jack couldn't help but be impressed. The click-click-idjits, or whatever they were called, were smaller than the Asgard. Although none of the Asgard had wings; that had to increase the surface area a lot, which explained why they kept it so hot in here. Even though the ceremonial negotiation 'uniforms' weren't exactly heavy, Jack was sweating.

"We are big or major fanatics of your Earthian artistes," eight-eyes said. "We would so like to view a skilled performance of your great Earthian art in person. In fact, it is why we have contactualized you."

Jack squinted at eight-eyes. Which great Earthian art?

"We understand," and this was coming from seventeen-eyes, who Jack was pretty sure was the leader. They were getting to the heart of the negotiations, then. He had to admire their speed. "We understand that your most talentness and greatnessly endowed performers appear on your 'cabular television,' yes? But we also understand that this is a functionalism commonality to all humans, that all adult, independent, or grown humans commit in it on surprising frequency." God. Seventeen-eyes was much worse at languages than eight-eyes or fourteen-eyes. Yeah, it was the leader all right.

"Cable," Daniel contributed helpfully. "It's cable television." Jack turned to stare at him; was he thinking? Did he have any idea what these things were talking about? Because Jack was starting to have a few alarming ones. Did Daniel ever even watch cable? Like, late night cable of the kind that nocturnal beings with hyperspace communications technology might be monitoring?

"Cable television," echoed eight-eyes. He sounded gripped. Jack tried to have a satisfying fantasy about throttling someone, but he couldn't figure out who he wanted to kill first. Took a lot of the pleasure out of it.

"Yes. We understand, also, that you have - issues? - with the bringance to our domicile, habitation, or planet of additional Earthians." Seventeen-eyes was picking up the conversation again. "We would not expect to behold, then, your most highly-rated performers." It leaned forward appealingly, nearly falling off the conference table that they'd had specially built to accommodate humans. "But even an amateur performance would be most gripping! And most educational! Consider: scientic information would be exchanged and cultural understanding most facilitatory!"

Daniel nodded encouragingly. "So you'd like us to bring in artists for you to view?" he asked.

"We would not insist on that, nooooo, Doctordanieljacksonpeacefulexplorer, as we understand your 'first contract' issues. We would be so happified simply to behold yourself engaged in such arts as of which you are capable."

Daniel's eyebrows came together and his lips parted. That's it, Daniel; use that great big brain of yours. Fast. "So you'd like me to...perform for you?" he said hesitantly.

"We would so very much greatly feel the pleasure from this," eight-eyes said. "Perhaps your so-esteemed leader Coloneljacko'neillunitedstatesairforce would also display for us? We understand that this is the most common on the Earth, the sharing of the performance and its results." He took a gulp from his glass of something-green-and-slimy, which the entire team had declined with thanks, even though they'd been provided with extra-large glasses, just in case. "We would be most happy to compensate for this, and also for such 'cable premium package billing cycles' as we have missed paymenting for, as we understand that this is a pay-for-service in your culture." Another gulp. "You were interested in our Stasis Generator, were you not?"

"Yes," Daniel confirmed. "We are very interested in your Stasis Generator, and Jack and I would gladly perform for you. Although I have to warn you, we won't be like on cable. We're probably not that good. You know, we're explorers and scientists and, uh, tacticians, not - performers."

Carter turned to Jack, her eyes wide, mouth open. Perform? she mouthed at him. Teal'c stayed impassive and focused on the negotiations, but when Jack studied him for a few moments, he caught the twitch of a facial muscle. Dammit, Teal'c was laughing at him.

"We so very unobjectational to this are," seventeen-eyes said sincerely and earnestly. "We have the greatness of understanding this. We would be honorific to visualize whatever performance is most comforting and customer for you, whatever you might typical engage when you are relaxation in your own privacy of home, yes?" The click-click-idjit was almost breathless with excitement.

"Sure. Sure." Daniel didn't sound all that enthused, but that was nothing compared to how he'd be feeling after Jack had a few private minutes with him to share his feelings about this whole situation.

And they'd probably have those few private minutes very soon. Jack winced. Bad choice of words.

"So." Daniel took a breath. "What have you been seeing, Masterpiece Theater?"

Jack turned to stare at him. That's it, he thought. Proof positive. Daniel's an alien. Damn, we should've guessed; not like he did such a hot job of hiding it, really. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Teal'c looking at Daniel with his own version of an 'are you an idiot?' expression. And he was an alien. Hell. Daniel probably wasn't even carbon-based.

"We are not familiarized with that particular performer of note," eight-eyes said apologetically. "We are more interested in your specialty performances," he added.

"Oh," Daniel said faintly. "Well, um, we're not - Jack and I, we're not that, uh, specialized. But maybe if you told us who your favorite performers are, we could - work something out."

"You know your Earthian nominyms are most confusational to us," seventeen-eyes said. "But I am most fondular of the 'Big Hot Cajun,' I believe he is called."

Silence. Daniel was staring straight ahead, not blinking and not breathing. The penny had dropped, but too late. Way too late.

"Um. Oh. Uh. Anyone – else?"

"The Great Naked One, I believe he is called, we have also tremendous enthusiasm toward," eight-eyes said helpfully. Daniel was turning red. Jack sympathized; he himself felt maybe thirty seconds away from exploding. "And the Iron Man, he also is of great popularity," eight-eyes said helpfully.

Daniel blinked. Jack didn't think he'd ever blink again. Or ever – he glanced at Carter, who was staring at the tabletop, blushing harder than he'd ever seen from anyone. Oh god. He'd definitely never be able to look at his 2IC again. Or at himself in the mirror. If only they didn't need the Stasis Generator so fucking badly. He winced again; that was a really bad choice of words.

One thing was sure, though; he'd eat his gun before he explained this mission to Hammond. He cringed internally, thinking of the report on this one. Death didn't sound so bad, actually. Peaceful. Anthropologist-free.

Teal'c, bless him, took up the conversation, as even Daniel had lapsed into stunned silence. In Jack's case, it might just be permanent. Teal'c leaned forward interestedly, being careful not to knock over seventeen-eyes. "I believe I also am fond of some of your favorite performers," he said, and Jack was definitely checking out Teal'c's cable box when they got back home. If he got back home. If he didn't, he'd make it part of his last request to Carter: be happy, live long, and for the love of god, cut off Teal'c's cable subscription. "So tell me," the big guy continued, and there was something entranced and intense, something almost – Jesus – longing in his tone. "Are you also fans of Julia Child?"

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[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 12th, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC)
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I totally loved your commentfic in resonant8's post, by the way. (I read it out loud. With suitable accents. Even the dogs were fascinated.)

And I'm so glad I got you! I wasn't sure if it was, you know, obvious or impenetrable or what. Yay!
[User Picture]
From:resonant8
Date:April 12th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
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Oh my god, I laughed so hard. And I kept trying to figure out what it was, if it wasn't the obvious -- man. This was wonderful.

Comment me or something next time! I wouldn't have known about this if mmwd hadn't told me. Can I link out of my LJ?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 12th, 2005 06:14 pm (UTC)
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This actually was originally a commentfic in your post on aliens-make-them-do-it, but it kind of overshot the usual size limit on those, so I posted it here. And of course you can link out of your LJ; I'm insanely pleased that you liked it.

*does a happy dance*
[User Picture]
From:fanofall
Date:April 12th, 2005 07:09 pm (UTC)
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LOOOOOOOVE. IIIIIIIIIIT. OMG.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 12th, 2005 07:47 pm (UTC)
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I notice people are using their "OMG" icons a lot with this one.

Not a huge surprise, that.

But - yay! Thank you so much for loving it, and for saying that, because I am as insecure as an insecure thing.

*loves you*

(Also. Email. You got my most recent email, right? And you're not thinking I am all flaky again because you didn't get it, right? No pressure if you did, but - I would hate to look flaky when I'm actually not being so, because lord knows I have enough with just the part of that that I earn.)
[User Picture]
From:malograntum
Date:April 16th, 2005 12:42 am (UTC)

Over here from Resonant's aliens-made-em-do-it thread

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*diez*

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Among other things, that's the funniest broken English I've seen in ages.

Also:

Hell. Daniel probably wasn't even carbon-based.

*snerk*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 05:34 pm (UTC)

Re: Over here from Resonant's aliens-made-em-do-it thread

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Thank you!

Among other things, that's the funniest broken English I've seen in ages.

*smiles modestly* Well, I was inspired. I spend a lot of time with the fine pseudo-English the United States Government churns out. (And it is my fantasy to read someday an SG1 story in which Jack or Hammond is going through Daniel's classified academic papers and finds one called something like "Meaningless Patterns, Complex Simplification: The English of the U.S. Military Caste.")
[User Picture]
From:destina
Date:April 16th, 2005 12:55 am (UTC)
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Oh my god. You have killed me dead. *g*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 05:37 pm (UTC)
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*eyes worriedly*

Well, I hope you have revived by now, because if not I have deprived myself of further good reading; I mean, I love your stories. (Particularly "Ciphers" and "Elements," which were partially responsible for my journey into the SG1 fold.) So don't let a few Martha Stewart type aliens keep you down! Rise and write again!

(*smile*)
[User Picture]
From:minotaurs
Date:April 16th, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
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Just bloody perfect! Bwahahahahah!!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 05:55 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!
[User Picture]
From:mz_bstone
Date:April 16th, 2005 01:18 am (UTC)
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*dies*


"So tell me," the big guy continued, and there was something entranced and intense, something almost – Jesus – longing in his tone. "Are you also fans of Julia Child?"

Ah, so long past the days of "What is an Oprah?"

B
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
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I just figured - Teal'c lives in Cheyenne Mountain, right? And they have seriously crappy food in there; it's like they found a miraculous way to combine summer camp food, British pub food, elementary school cafeteria food, and space-age plastics. So if I was Teal'c, I'd definitely spend a lot of time watching cooking shows.

(In case it isn't obvious - I've never seen the show. I follow bunnies fearlessly even when they lead where angels fear to tread.)
[User Picture]
From:eliade
Date:April 16th, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
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Oh my god, this is awesome. Heeeeeeeee.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 05:58 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! (And is it wrong that I want your icon's glasses? Yes, it probably is.)
[User Picture]
From:katie_m
Date:April 16th, 2005 01:54 am (UTC)
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Bwahaha! Fantastic.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!
From:stellahobbit
Date:April 16th, 2005 01:55 am (UTC)
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Daniel's eyebrows came together and his lips parted. That's it, Daniel; use that great big brain of yours. Fast. "So you'd like me to...perform for you?" he said hesitantly.

*snicker*

Jack turned to stare at him. That's it, he thought. Proof positive. Daniel's an alien. Damn, we should've guessed; not like he did such a hot job of hiding it, really. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Teal'c looking at Daniel with his own version of an 'are you an idiot?' expression. And he was an alien. Hell. Daniel probably wasn't even carbon-based.

ROFLMAO.

LOVED IT!

Got here through Resonant, BTW.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:04 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

(It's a little known secret that Daniel actually is an alien; he comes from the race known throughout the galaxy as a Mimicus Linguisticus. They are intelligent, good-natured, and helpful to have around, especially if you need a translator. Or a punching-bag. Or someone to rush in where angels and fools are refusing to tread. However, they are nonetheless banned on most civilized planets because of their tendency to serial tragic deaths (leading to depression, swearing, and flamewars among those around them), their unfortunate magnetic attraction for trouble in all forms, and (in certain FF) their ability to incite lust in everyone in a fifty-foot radius.)
[User Picture]
From:tesserae_
Date:April 16th, 2005 03:38 am (UTC)
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*This* is hilarious! Great Jack voice, too...(linked from resonant8's journal, btw.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:06 pm (UTC)
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Wow. Thank you. I'm delighted with that FB, especially as I've never, you know, actually heard Jack's voice. (I wrote this without benefit of canon. I figure with crackfic you're allowed to break the rules.)
[User Picture]
From:raucousraven
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:13 am (UTC)
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*ded of laff*

You? Are incredibly greatnessly endowed! Your talentness brought great rejoiceration to my way-too-long day.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:09 pm (UTC)
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We are so very thanking you for your kind giftedness of exceltation commentary! We seek no more than to unite Earthianswhoengageinfantaticalactivitiesonthewebsiteknownaslivejournal with rejoication, especialty in instantaneouses of diurnal prolongation.

Thanking you extentitiously!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:16 pm (UTC)
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How could anyone not mistake Food Network for porn? Honestly.

Certainly not me. I mean, all those naughty close-ups of rich dark liquid chocolate slowly licking down the silky sides of a naked dessert - the gentle teasing strokes of a stiff, rough tool across the field of smooth pale icing aching to be touched - the way a strawberry, dripping juices at the slightest touch, almost explodes when first caressed from a tongue - the gradual progress from assembling the necessary equipment to foreplay to searing hot climax...

Um. Sorry. What were we talking about?

Oh, right, fan fiction. Thank you!

*hearts in return*
[User Picture]
From:hildyj
Date:April 16th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
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Genius! bwahahahahahaha
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 16th, 2005 06:19 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! (If I'm a genius, I'm definitely an evil one. But we prefer the term "morally-challenged, intellectually-gifted scientist with political ambitions" these days, of course.)

*departs, practicing evil laugh*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:April 23rd, 2005 06:16 am (UTC)
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Cool! I'm glad I made you laugh.
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