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The Once and Future Warning
[They say context is for the weak. So I'm weak, so what? This is a comment I made in someone else's friendslocked post. liviapenn
, this repost is for you.]
This story has words made of letters, and sentences made of words and punctuation and spaces. It has paragraphs and dialog and characters and a plot.
The following items may or may not be included in this plot: Sex. Sex involving men and/or women in numbers totalling no more than 17. Masturbation. Mutual masturbation. Gratuitous display of manly flesh. Gratuitous display of womanly flesh. Gratuitous display of flesh that does not acknowledge divisions of sex or gender. Tattoos. Weapons porn. Violence. Thoughts of sex and violence without any kind of cathartic follow-through. First contact. Alien lifeforms. Aliens with needs. Kink. Cliches. Decadence. The decimalization of currency. Current events. Electricity. Ancient cultures. Major scientific advances. Male pregnancy. Female pregnancy. Dog pregnancy. Dogs and cats, living together. Cats and cats, living together. Religion. Bad religions. A lot of references to Night of the Hunter. Telepathy. Dragons. Vampires. Zombies. Evil children. Big guns. Psychics. Clones. Holograms. Slime. Jelly. Peanut butter. Sandwiches of evil. Tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears. Feasts. Famine. Fruit sex. Bee swarms. Facts of dubious scientific accuracy. Facts of dubious mythological accuracy. Wings on things that you wouldn't expect to have wings. Hands in new places. Time travel. Time bombs. Blonde bombshells from 1940s movies. Recapitulation of the plot of Spartacus. Slavery. Torture. Prison. Oysters. Bathtubs. Bath salts. Unhealthy dietary preferences. Unhealthy life choices. Unhealthy minds. Unhealthy bodies. Spontaneous healing, followed by a terrifying regimen of complete and total health. Fast cars. Loose women. Looser men. Intoxicants. Sharp suits. Sharp blades. Blunt weapons. Blunt speech. Low jokes. Sunken ships. The lost continent. Marine mammals. And everything else that has ever or will be ever in my head.
Now. Don't say I didn't warn you, okay?
|Date:||June 30th, 2006 09:47 pm (UTC)|| |
Suddenly I want to use this as my header for every single story I write from now on. :)
You are entirely welcome to do so, although I wouldn't recommend it. Just cutting and pasting and posting it left me with many bad story ideas.
|Date:||June 30th, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)|| |
I love you. You know that, right? 'cause this...is worthy of sonnets, roses and moonlight serenades. Followed by marriage proposals.
Okay, but will you still love me after you get the Epic Email about Charles Baudelaire? Because, seriously, this turns out to be perhaps the first on the list of topics not to get me started on.
And I love you, too. Even if it turns out that Baudelaire is something you can't forgive. (And who would blame you, really?)
|Date:||June 30th, 2006 10:10 pm (UTC)|| |
I would totally ask you to marry me, only I think Best Beloved would have something to say about that. *koff*
Very probably. Best Beloved is open-minded about many things (anime, Smallville, my sincere need to have enough icon spaces to store all the world's icons
), but that might possibly be crossing a line.
But if it wasn't, I would totally accept.
(Decision made, by the way; I will be going the not-Bladerunner route, because - did you know that trinityofone
has essentially written the Bladerunner story? That trinity. Gotta love her.
And, you know, that was a dead story until you made me dredge it up from my hard drive. Are you evil? *suspicious look* Because there is a distinct smell of evil machinations about this.)
Is there cat/dog pregnancy? That's all I want to know, damn it!
God, no. What are you, sick?
NO CLOWNS EVER. THAT IS THE FIRST RULE.
(I have a phobia about clowns. Also mimes. Also, for that matter, zombies, which in my opinion clowns strongly resemble.)
The decimalization of currency.
Good lord. I can forgive a lot, but how can you be so vulgar as to mention money?
(Translation: hee! And I can't wait for the day when someone, somewhere, inevitably manages to fit all these things into one story)
Oh, you quaint Irish persons and your quaint delusions of manners. *pats* Money! Money is the only topic!
*recovers from scary channeling of J. Paul Getty*
I can't wait for the day when someone, somewhere, inevitably manages to fit all these things into one story)
If that ever happens, I will bake that person many cookies. Seriously. I cannot even picture fitting all those things into one story.
Peanut butter? What kind of sicko are you? Some people are allergic to peanuts!!!!!!
I have to be true to my art. If the muse calls for peanuts, then peanuts she shall get, and be damned the consequences. The revolution will not be subject to FDA content warnings!
Re: here via friendsfriends
*offers you a tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears*
Oh, so awesome.
*has changed her journal header to 'Wings on things you wouldn't expect to have wings.'*
You really did, too. And now, every time I look at it, I'm going to be putting wings all over the place.
That is wonderful! If someone can do all of that in one story, I'd help in the cookie baking.
What kind of cookies would you bake? So we can coordinate, you know - it'd suck if we both made chocolate chip after some brave soul found a way to incorporate electricity with wings into a story.
You know, I don't think I could do that even in a drabble series. It's a very inclusive list. Although I assume someone will still find a way to complain. "You didn't mention inaccurate maps, and I'll have you know I find that very triggering!"
(The sad part is, I'm a total warnings whore; I don't insist on them, but I'm always very happy when they're there. Perhaps I should add "hypocrisy" to the list.)
|Date:||June 30th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)|| |
That just about covers everything, I think... :oP
Someone's going to complain, though. Possibly it'll be a sin of omission, instead: "There was no dogPreg!"
(Your icon totally has pensive face, by the way. Pensive-er face, even.)
...green salad... ...Oysters.
I'm glad you warned me. ::shudder::
*never, ever reads your fic evermore*
I know a lot of people can't go to the green salad place. I can, I do, but I'm not saying it's right or anything, just - I like it.
And oysters...I think, you know, that's going a little far, but if there's a reason for it, like it's integral to the plot, and it's tastefully written, then I'm okay with it. But, yeah, a lot of people can't handle it. Triggers the ol' gag reflex. Which is why I warn! So that they will know!
*going to hell in the oysterbasket*
I'd read that. *waits patiently for someone to write it*
Seriously, you rock.
Eeee! You changed your icon! I don't even recognize you anymore.
*has a change-induced breakdown*
And you and me both on the waiting for someone to write it thing. I'd so read that.
|Date:||June 30th, 2006 11:47 pm (UTC)|| |
you have no idea how much I laughed when I read this. it's the BESTEST warning ever written!
and now I'm desperately craving a tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears.
you know you're evil, right?
The thing is, I view the addition of walnuts and pears to a pure and decent salad as bad bad bad. Lettuce was made to be enjoyed in quiet solitude, with maybe celery and tomatoes for company.
(I also have opinions on salad dressing that fly in the face of conventional wisdom. Basically: a little goes a long, long way, and it's hard to go wrong with oil and vinegar.)
So, you know, when I wrote "sandwiches of evil," the next thing that came into my mind was a salad of evil: a sweetened, adulterated salad.
And now I have raised the evil salad lust in you! *celebrates*
I adore this. I hope it's okay that I linked to it in my lj, because you have rocked my small self-centered world.
Thanks! And everyone is welcome to link to any post I make, and I'm always flattered (except, you know, when the link is like, "See giant ignoramous humiliate herself" or whatever), but it's especially cool when people tell me where I'm linked. So many, many thanks to you.
Recapitulation of the plot of Spartacus.
Nooooooooo!!!!! Anything but THAT!
I'm sorry, but this is how it has to be.
See, Benton Fraser was born a slave and trained to kill in the gladiator pits of the oppressive Kanux. But he refuses to become the animal they think he is, and eventually he and his loyal lieutenant, the barbarian Kowalski, lead a slave uprising against the Kanux.
*loves your brain with the power of a thousand highly inclusive and terrifyingly categorical suns*
Fruit sex?! Good grief, my eyes and cultural mores!!
However. Loose aliens in sharp suits with edged smiles and wings? Bring 'em.
Loose aliens in sharp suits with edged smiles and wings?
I think I just found a new fandom.
Which is clear proof that you are evil. I mean, at least the last fandom you converted me to ACTUALLY EXISTED. (Sai! Akira! Hikaru! Ogata! OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!) This is a new low for you, dragging me into a fandom where the canon is just the one sentence.
I'm afraid I have to hate you now.
Wants to have your babies.
Yes! And then we will raise an army of clones who will go forth and wreck havoc on the earth, using our devastating secret weapon of inadequate headers on stories!
*is already looking forward to the sequel*
Oh, yes. You mean you didn't know I write Thomas Edison RPS?
you never fail to have the best subject lines on the block - nay, the continent, even
I am falling over with love for this new format of Header.
Linked via liviapenn
Eventually, I will perfect the technology to include every word ever used on the internet in a simple header warning. And then the world will be a shiny happy place, no?
|Date:||July 1st, 2006 03:52 pm (UTC)|| |
Dalek Mice say, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MIGHTY FINE STORY!
I'm over here by way of liviapenn
If I saw this header, I would absolutely, positively have to read the story. In fact, I want to read this story RIGHT NOW.
Wow - you're brave.
Most people are squicked by urinary tract infection porn - I'm so glad to find a like-minded soul. ;)
If I weren't in school, I'd so try for the Millenium Prize.
GASP! Not jelly!!
You're all kinds of awesome. :D