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02:53 pm: The Once and Future Warning
[They say context is for the weak. So I'm weak, so what? This is a comment I made in someone else's friendslocked post. liviapenn, this repost is for you.]

WARNING:

This story has words made of letters, and sentences made of words and punctuation and spaces. It has paragraphs and dialog and characters and a plot.

The following items may or may not be included in this plot: Sex. Sex involving men and/or women in numbers totalling no more than 17. Masturbation. Mutual masturbation. Gratuitous display of manly flesh. Gratuitous display of womanly flesh. Gratuitous display of flesh that does not acknowledge divisions of sex or gender. Tattoos. Weapons porn. Violence. Thoughts of sex and violence without any kind of cathartic follow-through. First contact. Alien lifeforms. Aliens with needs. Kink. Cliches. Decadence. The decimalization of currency. Current events. Electricity. Ancient cultures. Major scientific advances. Male pregnancy. Female pregnancy. Dog pregnancy. Dogs and cats, living together. Cats and cats, living together. Religion. Bad religions. A lot of references to Night of the Hunter. Telepathy. Dragons. Vampires. Zombies. Evil children. Big guns. Psychics. Clones. Holograms. Slime. Jelly. Peanut butter. Sandwiches of evil. Tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears. Feasts. Famine. Fruit sex. Bee swarms. Facts of dubious scientific accuracy. Facts of dubious mythological accuracy. Wings on things that you wouldn't expect to have wings. Hands in new places. Time travel. Time bombs. Blonde bombshells from 1940s movies. Recapitulation of the plot of Spartacus. Slavery. Torture. Prison. Oysters. Bathtubs. Bath salts. Unhealthy dietary preferences. Unhealthy life choices. Unhealthy minds. Unhealthy bodies. Spontaneous healing, followed by a terrifying regimen of complete and total health. Fast cars. Loose women. Looser men. Intoxicants. Sharp suits. Sharp blades. Blunt weapons. Blunt speech. Low jokes. Sunken ships. The lost continent. Marine mammals. And everything else that has ever or will be ever in my head.

Now. Don't say I didn't warn you, okay?

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:mtgat
Date:June 30th, 2006 09:47 pm (UTC)
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Suddenly I want to use this as my header for every single story I write from now on. :)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:17 pm (UTC)
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You are entirely welcome to do so, although I wouldn't recommend it. Just cutting and pasting and posting it left me with many bad story ideas.

Many.

Bad.

Ideas.

*winces*
[User Picture]
From:vampirespider
Date:June 30th, 2006 09:50 pm (UTC)
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So damn awesome.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:17 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!
[User Picture]
From:maygra
Date:June 30th, 2006 09:58 pm (UTC)
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I love you. You know that, right? 'cause this...is worthy of sonnets, roses and moonlight serenades. Followed by marriage proposals.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
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Okay, but will you still love me after you get the Epic Email about Charles Baudelaire? Because, seriously, this turns out to be perhaps the first on the list of topics not to get me started on.

And I love you, too. Even if it turns out that Baudelaire is something you can't forgive. (And who would blame you, really?)
[User Picture]
From:z_rayne
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:10 pm (UTC)
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I would totally ask you to marry me, only I think Best Beloved would have something to say about that. *koff*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
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Very probably. Best Beloved is open-minded about many things (anime, Smallville, my sincere need to have enough icon spaces to store all the world's icons), but that might possibly be crossing a line.

But if it wasn't, I would totally accept.

(Decision made, by the way; I will be going the not-Bladerunner route, because - did you know that trinityofone has essentially written the Bladerunner story? That trinity. Gotta love her.

And, you know, that was a dead story until you made me dredge it up from my hard drive. Are you evil? *suspicious look* Because there is a distinct smell of evil machinations about this.)
[User Picture]
From:minim_calibre
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
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Is there cat/dog pregnancy? That's all I want to know, damn it!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:27 pm (UTC)
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God, no. What are you, sick?
[User Picture]
From:gnomad
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
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OMG. If there are clowns in this fic, I'm so gonna flame. Don't you people know to warn for stuff like that?

*is horrified by the lack of proper warnings these days*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:29 pm (UTC)
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NO CLOWNS EVER. THAT IS THE FIRST RULE.

(I have a phobia about clowns. Also mimes. Also, for that matter, zombies, which in my opinion clowns strongly resemble.)
[User Picture]
From:siriaeve
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:15 pm (UTC)
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The decimalization of currency.

Good lord. I can forgive a lot, but how can you be so vulgar as to mention money?

(Translation: hee! And I can't wait for the day when someone, somewhere, inevitably manages to fit all these things into one story)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:34 pm (UTC)
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Oh, you quaint Irish persons and your quaint delusions of manners. *pats* Money! Money is the only topic!

*recovers from scary channeling of J. Paul Getty*

I can't wait for the day when someone, somewhere, inevitably manages to fit all these things into one story)

If that ever happens, I will bake that person many cookies. Seriously. I cannot even picture fitting all those things into one story.
[User Picture]
From:dragovianknight
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
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Peanut butter? What kind of sicko are you? Some people are allergic to peanuts!!!!!!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:36 pm (UTC)
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I have to be true to my art. If the muse calls for peanuts, then peanuts she shall get, and be damned the consequences. The revolution will not be subject to FDA content warnings!
From:jazzymegster
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:46 pm (UTC)

here via friendsfriends

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Hi...I just thought I would leave a comment to say I think this is brilliant. And highly amusing. And that you probably already knew that.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 04:56 am (UTC)

Re: here via friendsfriends

(Link)
*waves*

Thank you!

*offers you a tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears*
[User Picture]
From:liviapenn
Date:June 30th, 2006 10:52 pm (UTC)
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Oh, so awesome.

*has changed her journal header to 'Wings on things you wouldn't expect to have wings.'*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)
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*snickers*

You really did, too. And now, every time I look at it, I'm going to be putting wings all over the place.
[User Picture]
From:lurksnomore
Date:June 30th, 2006 11:01 pm (UTC)
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That is wonderful! If someone can do all of that in one story, I'd help in the cookie baking.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 05:02 am (UTC)
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*thoughtful*

What kind of cookies would you bake? So we can coordinate, you know - it'd suck if we both made chocolate chip after some brave soul found a way to incorporate electricity with wings into a story.

*eyes list*

You know, I don't think I could do that even in a drabble series. It's a very inclusive list. Although I assume someone will still find a way to complain. "You didn't mention inaccurate maps, and I'll have you know I find that very triggering!"

(The sad part is, I'm a total warnings whore; I don't insist on them, but I'm always very happy when they're there. Perhaps I should add "hypocrisy" to the list.)
[User Picture]
From:anjak_j
Date:June 30th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
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That just about covers everything, I think... :oP

[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:34 am (UTC)
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Someone's going to complain, though. Possibly it'll be a sin of omission, instead: "There was no dogPreg!"

(Your icon totally has pensive face, by the way. Pensive-er face, even.)
[User Picture]
From:stasha2g
Date:June 30th, 2006 11:25 pm (UTC)
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...green salad... ...Oysters.

I'm glad you warned me. ::shudder::
*never, ever reads your fic evermore*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:38 am (UTC)
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*nods*

I know a lot of people can't go to the green salad place. I can, I do, but I'm not saying it's right or anything, just - I like it.

And oysters...I think, you know, that's going a little far, but if there's a reason for it, like it's integral to the plot, and it's tastefully written, then I'm okay with it. But, yeah, a lot of people can't handle it. Triggers the ol' gag reflex. Which is why I warn! So that they will know!

*going to hell in the oysterbasket*
[User Picture]
From:janet_carter
Date:June 30th, 2006 11:26 pm (UTC)
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I'd read that. *waits patiently for someone to write it*

Seriously, you rock.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:39 am (UTC)
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Eeee! You changed your icon! I don't even recognize you anymore.

*has a change-induced breakdown*

*gets better*

And you and me both on the waiting for someone to write it thing. I'd so read that.
[User Picture]
From:dine
Date:June 30th, 2006 11:47 pm (UTC)
(Link)
you have no idea how much I laughed when I read this. it's the BESTEST warning ever written!

and now I'm desperately craving a tossed green salad with caramelized walnuts and pears.

you know you're evil, right?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
The thing is, I view the addition of walnuts and pears to a pure and decent salad as bad bad bad. Lettuce was made to be enjoyed in quiet solitude, with maybe celery and tomatoes for company.

(I also have opinions on salad dressing that fly in the face of conventional wisdom. Basically: a little goes a long, long way, and it's hard to go wrong with oil and vinegar.)

So, you know, when I wrote "sandwiches of evil," the next thing that came into my mind was a salad of evil: a sweetened, adulterated salad.

And now I have raised the evil salad lust in you! *celebrates*
[User Picture]
From:sweeneybird
Date:July 1st, 2006 12:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
I adore this. I hope it's okay that I linked to it in my lj, because you have rocked my small self-centered world.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:45 am (UTC)
(Link)
*beams*

Thanks! And everyone is welcome to link to any post I make, and I'm always flattered (except, you know, when the link is like, "See giant ignoramous humiliate herself" or whatever), but it's especially cool when people tell me where I'm linked. So many, many thanks to you.
[User Picture]
From:the_star_fish
Date:July 1st, 2006 01:19 am (UTC)
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Recapitulation of the plot of Spartacus.

Nooooooooo!!!!! Anything but THAT!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:53 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry, but this is how it has to be.

*is firm*

See, Benton Fraser was born a slave and trained to kill in the gladiator pits of the oppressive Kanux. But he refuses to become the animal they think he is, and eventually he and his loyal lieutenant, the barbarian Kowalski, lead a slave uprising against the Kanux.
[User Picture]
From:raucousraven
Date:July 1st, 2006 02:18 am (UTC)
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*loves your brain with the power of a thousand highly inclusive and terrifyingly categorical suns*

Fruit sex?! Good grief, my eyes and cultural mores!!

However. Loose aliens in sharp suits with edged smiles and wings? Bring 'em.

[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:57 am (UTC)
(Link)
Loose aliens in sharp suits with edged smiles and wings?

*swoons*

I think I just found a new fandom.

Which is clear proof that you are evil. I mean, at least the last fandom you converted me to ACTUALLY EXISTED. (Sai! Akira! Hikaru! Ogata! OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!) This is a new low for you, dragging me into a fandom where the canon is just the one sentence.

I'm afraid I have to hate you now.

*hates*
[User Picture]
From:calijirl5150
Date:July 1st, 2006 02:18 am (UTC)
(Link)
Wants to have your babies.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 07:59 am (UTC)
(Link)
Yes! And then we will raise an army of clones who will go forth and wreck havoc on the earth, using our devastating secret weapon of inadequate headers on stories!

*is already looking forward to the sequel*
[User Picture]
From:not_sally
Date:July 1st, 2006 04:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
I'm with the "I want to have your baby now" group, but I'm puzzled. Electricity?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 08:00 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, yes. You mean you didn't know I write Thomas Edison RPS?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 08:01 am (UTC)

you never fail to have the best subject lines on the block - nay, the continent, even

(Link)
*beams*
[User Picture]
From:lobelia321
Date:July 1st, 2006 05:59 am (UTC)
(Link)
I am falling over with love for this new format of Header.

Linked via liviapenn.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:July 1st, 2006 08:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
*beams*

Eventually, I will perfect the technology to include every word ever used on the internet in a simple header warning. And then the world will be a shiny happy place, no?
[User Picture]
From:teenygozer
Date:July 1st, 2006 03:52 pm (UTC)

Dalek Mice say, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A MIGHTY FINE STORY!

(Link)
I'm over here by way of liviapenn.

If I saw this header, I would absolutely, positively have to read the story. In fact, I want to read this story RIGHT NOW.
[User Picture]
From:rattlecatcher
Date:July 1st, 2006 11:11 pm (UTC)

Bath salts, eh?

(Link)
Wow - you're brave.

Most people are squicked by urinary tract infection porn - I'm so glad to find a like-minded soul. ;)
[User Picture]
From:rattlecatcher
Date:July 1st, 2006 11:12 pm (UTC)

PS

(Link)
If I weren't in school, I'd so try for the Millenium Prize.
[User Picture]
From:aurora_84
Date:July 2nd, 2006 12:27 pm (UTC)
(Link)
GASP! Not jelly!!


You're all kinds of awesome. :D
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