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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:redshira
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC)
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Can I metaquote you? Because this is fantastic :D
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
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Sure! Feel free. (And thank you! I'm glad the story is amusing to someone, because I have gone into Kill on Sight mode for all sweet potatoes. I am death to sweet potatoes at this point. Grrrrr.)
sweet potato - (Anonymous) Expand
sweet potato - (Anonymous) Expand
SweetPotatoCaper - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
From:claire
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
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It might have been A Day for you, but at least you made it more hilarious for me ;)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC)
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It has, indeed, been A Day. But I'm glad my Day made you feel better. (Although you must swear on a stack of assorted holy items that you will never tell my dog I said that. She'd take it as license to be really difficult.)
[User Picture]
From:minim_calibre
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
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::cue smothered hysterical giggles::

At least it wasn't an elk?
[User Picture]
From:wychwood
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:45 pm (UTC)
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*reads*

*boggles*

*boggles more*

*begins to laugh hysterically*
[User Picture]
From:wychwood
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
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Oh, wow. I thought our cats were bad! That is really a No Good Very Bad day.

*offers large amounts of sympathy and an actual baseball bat (frustrated pet-owners, for the use of)*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*takes baseball bat*

*waves it menacingly at dog*

*sighs as dog begins to chew baseball bat*

(And, hey. If you want to tell me Bad Cat stories, that would probably make me feel better. *hopeful look*)
[User Picture]
From:basingstoke
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:41 pm (UTC)
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...

HOW DO THEY EVEN GET THESE IDEAS INTO THEIR TINY WALNUT MINDS?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:53 pm (UTC)
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I don't know, but I blame her parents, for being too smart, and her breeder, for breeding for smart dogs with personality. (I, of course, am totally blameless. Or, okay, not, but today I get to lie to myself about that.)

See, we have one very stupid (but sweet!) dog. And we have one dog who is spending every moment of her spare time attempting to evolve an opposable thumb so she can drive to the store and use my credit card to buy out the meat section. (And cheese section. And, because she is a very weird dog, the vegetable section.) This is only the latest in a long line of her various Triumphs Over the Humans and Their Stupid Rules About What I Should Eat.

*sigh*
[User Picture]
From:malnpudl
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
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*dies laughing*

I think I've met your dog. *g*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
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*sighs heavily*

I don't suppose you'd like her to come visit you, would you? She's very sweet! Just, you have to be smarter than she is, and I'm not managing that today. But, really: friendly! Frolicsome! Outgoing! A delightful guest! Say the word and she can be on your porch tomorrow!
[User Picture]
From:wyomingnot
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
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I am so thankful for my cat who will only eat three things - cat food and potato chips. The third thing? Well, it's not really eating... but she does tend to gnaw on whatever body parts I've got exposed if she's got an empty bowl.

I've got a friend who has a cat who will eat anything left out. Even if it is in a container. She can no longer leave a loaf of bread on the counter as the cat ate through the bag and a chunk of the loaf on the last one. She doesn't keep any non-canned food in a lower cabinet anymore either. Scary.

...and all the while through your tale of woe, I was waiting for the orange vomit.

Poor you. but really, if you didn't starve your pets....
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:58 pm (UTC)
(Link)
She can no longer leave a loaf of bread on the counter as the cat ate through the bag and a chunk of the loaf on the last one.

When Cassie, the Dog of this story, was three months old, she managed to counter-surf - she was tiny! - and eat four of the rolls I had just baked. FOUR. In thirty seconds. She really hasn't looked back.

...and all the while through your tale of woe, I was waiting for the orange vomit.

*nods sadly*

Me, too.

but really, if you didn't starve your pets....

She is NOT STARVING. Really. Ignore the woeful brown eyes telling you she is a tragic figure of hungry doghood. *waves hands about in hysterical fashion*
[User Picture]
From:best_beloved
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
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See, I told you the dogs missed you - they didn't have nearly as much fun with me.

I hesitate to ask this, but where did she get the root vegetables?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:00 pm (UTC)
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SHE COUNTER-SURFED THEM FROM THE VEGETABLE BOWL.

At least, I think she did. I never actually saw her do it, but they were in the bowl and then they were in her mouth, so you be the judge.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
From:mtgat
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:48 pm (UTC)
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OMG. If it makes you feel better, you have filled the world with a little more glee.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:02 pm (UTC)
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*pauses*

Yes, actually. It does make me feel better. My dog can make me crazy, but I can write up posts about said craziness and share them with the internets! I'm winning! Pretty much! (Shhhhh. Let me pretend I'm winning.)
[User Picture]
From:damned_colonial
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:50 pm (UTC)
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You know squash is a fruit, right, not a root vegetable?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC)
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*eyes you*

THAT ISN'T HELPFUL.

(And, yes, I knew that. But when you're attempting to make your dog feel guilty, you can't exactly pause for botanical accuracy. Not, let me note, that I have ever succeeded in making my dog feel guilty, but I'm pretty sure that if I do eventually manage, brevity will be the key. Well, brevity, and also a brain swap for said dog, because I don't think she has any capacity for guilt. She's basically a large black furry ball of fun and good-times-having.)
squash - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
From:shaysdays
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
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I really just stopped by with a GIP.

And if it makes you feel any better, my dog once ate an entire baguette. With roasted garlic all through. That was a gawdawful smelly "HI HOW YOU? LEMME LICK YER SKIN OFF!" moment I was not prepared for.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:14 pm (UTC)
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Oh, god. Your icon spoke to me. Because, yes, I lost the war. Some time ago. They only let me continue to pretend to be in charge because I can work the can opener.

*weeps sadly*
(no subject) - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
From:maygra
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:02 pm (UTC)
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OMG!! I'm going to choke on my own laughter and then I will be dead and it will be entirely your fault!!!

...or DOG's...

BUT I WILL BE DEAD FROM LAUGHING!!!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
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BLAME THE DOG. I AM AN INNOCENT VICTIM AS MUCH AS YOU ARE.

(But, really. Don't die of laughter; we'll have to read this at your funeral - "And here, friends, is the livejournal post that killed our beloved Maygra." And I don't think you want sweet potatoes and orange vomit at your funeral. See? Better not to die at all, I think.)
[User Picture]
From:cinediva
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
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Sounds like my dog. Sweet potatoes, normal potatoes, bread, coffee and/or used coffee grounds...

But my dog's thoughtstreams aren't halfway as cool as yours. ;)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
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Sounds like my dog. Sweet potatoes, normal potatoes, bread, coffee and/or used coffee grounds...

*sighs*

Yes. We don't have coffee grounds for her to eat - for which I am right at this moment being devoutly grateful, because our dog on caffeine is a terrifying, terrifying prospect, the kind of mental image that drives a person gibbering into the night - but otherwise, yes. If I made a list of all the inappropriate items she has eaten or has tried to eat in her life - well. I don't think I could actually write such a list; my fingers would give out. But just the attempt would probably keep a lot of people from getting dogs.
[User Picture]
From:moosesal
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:09 pm (UTC)
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I have tears rolling down my cheeks and I nearly peed myself laughing I was laughing so hard. Your dog should meet mine. We pretty much can't leave anything out. It has to be in the fridge or the pantry. I actually took him to the post office with me today because I was scared to leave him home with food cooking in the Crock-Pot. I have no doubt he would have got the lid off and eaten everything in there. Raw veggies are about the only thing he doesn't eat.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)
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We used to have food on counters. Once, in the distant past. Then we got Cassie.

Now, we are very very glad we have a microwave. Of course, we don't use it to heat things, because it's always full of whatever food we don't want to put in the refrigerator. It is basically a locking breadbox at this point. So, my tip to you: get a very big microwave. You'll be glad you did.

Raw veggies are about the only thing he doesn't eat.

*grim*

Both our dogs love raw veggies, except for eggplant and mushrooms. (They don't believe those are really food items.) When I prep vegetables for dinner, they sit there, staring at the cutting board, hoping I will send some part of the vegetable boinging into space. The day that I dropped a whole zucchini on the floor, there was a party in dogville.
[User Picture]
From:sister_b
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:12 pm (UTC)
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I sneaked in here from metaquotes; and I must say that as someone who has lived with a Beagle (meaning, big brown hound eyes), I can totally sympathize through my laughter. I love the fact that I'm not the only one who swears that my dog thinks that we starve him and would love the world to know it (in spite of his little potbelly). XD
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:44 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, believe me, you're not alone. We could form a club, in fact. (One of the best moments of my dog's life was the day she persuaded me that she hadn't had breakfast. Twice. Which meant she got, in total, three breakfasts. I was sick and I just - fed her. Without thinking. See, my mistake was believing the dog. She probably still speaks nostalgically of the Day of Three Breakfasts.)

Also: Beagles are love! (The dog mentioned above is a Lab, and she was bred by someone who used to breed Beagles. I suspect that's how the mischievousness got into her.)
[User Picture]
From:china_shop
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
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Tears! Tears of laughter! I want the sitcom: You and Your Dog! With subtitles!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:46 pm (UTC)
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I - I think that sitcom would be terrifying. Particularly if my dog got any kind of creative input.

*shivers*
[User Picture]
From:cofax7
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
::laughs hysterically::

OMG the dog able to make sweet potatoes appear from the Rift!

Fantastic. I miss having a dog. Mine only ever ate the paint off the bathroom door; much less entertaining.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
OMG the dog able to make sweet potatoes appear from the Rift!

You laugh now. But this dog will USE HER POWERS FOR EVIL. You will be less mirthful when alien sweet potatoes, aided and abetted by one very drooly dog, take over the universe. *prognosticates grimly*

Mine only ever ate the paint off the bathroom door; much less entertaining.

A friend of mine had a dog who ate a hole through the wall of her breakfast nook. A three-foot hole. In about half an hour, while my friend's husband was sitting at the table right nearby. Dogs: not for the faint of heart. (But they are definitely love, all the same.)
[User Picture]
From:c_regalis
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
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*loves you and your dog both* ♥
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:56 pm (UTC)
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*beams*

Thank you! (Although I would ask you not to tell the dog that. It would only encourage her.)
[User Picture]
From:flyingtapes
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
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oh my god. this is hilarious.

I mean. Bad dog!

::dies laughing::
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
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The thing is, even while I was waving my hands about and shrieking, I knew it was funny. I think the key to dog-owning is only laughing on the inside, because so much of what they do that's bad is also really, really amusing, and if you actually laugh at them, they know they can get away with murder.

Well. My dog knows that anyway, but I don't want to give her any additional ideas.
[User Picture]
From:dine
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*makes little wheezy laughing sounds*

I completely lost it reading this - good thing no coworkers were around to witness my total collapse into a giggling heap
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:05 pm (UTC)
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I completely lost it reading this - good thing no coworkers were around to witness my total collapse into a giggling heap

My dogs cause people to behave inappropriately at work!

*very proud*

Does this mean I can add "not work-safe in a totally new way" to my dogs' resumes? (Well. If they had resumes. You know what I mean.)
[User Picture]
From:kassrachel
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:29 pm (UTC)
(Link)
::laughing helplessly::

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your pain, and yet -- this is just so hilarious.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:07 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*smiles wryly*

When Cassie (the dog in question) was a puppy, I used to tell her: "You know, you're lucky you're so cute. Nothing but adorableness could keep me from THROTTLING YOU." Now I think I will add: "You're also lucky that when you're bad, you're really, really funny." Creative badness! That's my pup!
[User Picture]
From:chalcopyrite
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
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It's a good thing there are no other actual humans in the house, because I suspect the noises I am making would get me committed. As it is, it's just the cats, who are used to me making noises like the mysterious woman in the attic who you never see.

(I thought my dog eating teabags was bad. At least he waits til I'm done with them.)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC)
(Link)
As it is, it's just the cats, who are used to me making noises like the mysterious woman in the attic who you never see.

Oh, yes. That's the truly great thing about pets: they get used to you. My dogs react with, at most, mild interest to any noises I might make. (Last week, during one of my bouts of sudden violent clumsiness, I shrieked, bonked heavily into a bookcase, and then sort of fell down. After a few minutes, one of the dogs wandered in to see if I'd done anything interesting, ideally involving food. But it wasn't like she was, you know, worried about me. No. I just make odd noises sometimes, and that's the way it is.)

I thought my dog eating teabags was bad. At least he waits til I'm done with them.

Oh, wow. That's something my dogs don't eat, although mostly because they've not yet had the chance. (And now I've cursed myself for sure; the next time I have tea, I'm in trouble.)
[User Picture]
From:hackthis
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This is all terribly unfortunte, sweetheart, I know it is, but tomorrow you will realize this is Comedy GOLD, because, well, is it.

Stuff like this? Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato! This makes me want sweet potato fries. Really. *considers buying sweet potatoes at store*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
This makes me want sweet potato fries. Really. *considers buying sweet potatoes at store*

Hmmm. You've pointed to a possible reason for this madness; while I was in New Jersey for the funeral, I had sweet potato fries. Now I'm wondering if the dog smelled them on me and was making a point. (I wouldn't put it past her. Really not.)

Now I want sweet potato fries, too. I think you should definitely go to the store. And then invite me over to help you eat the fries. *hopeful look*
From:ninja_headcrab
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That, was freakin hilarious!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!
[User Picture]
From:germankitty
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

In through metaquotes, and "baseball-eating noises" are nothing compared to what a neighbor's dog once produced (with less success than your dog, though):

The people living in the apartment above my inlaws use to have a dachshund. One night, they went out, leaving the dog home alone. They also left a pound of frozen hamburger out to thaw -- in a round metal bowl on the kitchen table.

Late at night, my inlaws started hearing a strange clattering noise from above that lasted well over an hour. Turned out the dog had smelled the meat, managed somehow to push the metal bowl off the table to the tiled floor -- only, the bowl landed upside down, with the meat trapped under it.

Cue in one hungry, frustrated dachshund trying for over an hour to get at her treat, but had no way of lifting or otherwise turning the bowl. She just kept pushing it through the kitchen, bumping on the appliances now and then -- which explained the noise.

Of course, the meat was spoiled anyway, but ... tough luck, dog! *snicker* Consider it payback for the time when you gobbled up a half pound of butter in the car -- then spewed it out again 5 minutes later while your owner was driving.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
*giggles*

Poor dachshund. (About the meat. The butter, um, well, she asked for that, plus she was probably better off barfing it up than keeping it down, so my sympathies are entirely with the owner. There's nothing quite as fun as having someone throwing up in the back seat while you're trying to keep your eyes on traffic.) And living below her must've been loads of fun that night - our dog bats her water dish around the kitchen when it's empty, and it is LOUD. And we're not underneath her. Yeesh. I pity the dachshund - all that work and no reward! - but I pity your in-laws more.

Thank you! - (Anonymous) Expand
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