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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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From:(Anonymous)
Date:January 25th, 2008 03:16 pm (UTC)
(Link)
http://crystal.crystaltownsend.com/2008/01/25/anyone-who-has-ever-owned-a-dog-can-understand.aspx

I linked you from my blog.
[User Picture]
From:lillbet
Date:January 27th, 2008 10:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
the dog exits the room in a pointed manner

I've seen one do it. It's just so dignified, yet... doggone funny.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 1st, 2008 12:30 am (UTC)
(Link)
This made my year. Funnier than the "Dog in Elk" story on the web. You can google "dog in elk" and see the story. Hilarious.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 3rd, 2008 08:46 am (UTC)

Проститутки Донецка досуг intim секс Девушки

(Link)
Проститутки Донецка интим dosug секс Девушки
c ув http://kurtizanka.com.ua
kurtizanka.com.ua
[User Picture]
From:desoto_hia873
Date:February 3rd, 2008 10:54 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*wipes tears of laughter from eyes*

That was brilliant. :-)
[User Picture]
From:bookishwench
Date:February 5th, 2008 12:27 am (UTC)
(Link)
Here off a link in someone's journal, and may I just say BWAH! Very funny.
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Date:February 5th, 2008 06:55 am (UTC)

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[User Picture]
From:aibhinn
Date:February 6th, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
I don't know if you can stand another comment, but oh. my. god. This is absolutely hilarious. Reminds me of my cat--only she doesn't eat sweet potatoes, she eats potted plants. Or silk plants. Or green jumpers that could possibly, in some bizarre corner of feline logic, look vaguely like they could be thinking about resembling some extinct form of vegetation.

I'm STILL sporfling over your entry, and I've recced it on my LJ. :) Thanks for posting!
[User Picture]
From:plaidphoenix
Date:February 6th, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you SO much for reccing this.
[User Picture]
From:plaidphoenix
Date:February 6th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh good lord. As a former doggie owner, I know how 'special' their dietary needs are and how picky they can be.

Oh goodness, my sides are hurting from the laughter.
[User Picture]
From:joesther
Date:February 6th, 2008 04:36 am (UTC)
(Link)
... from beyond the Rift!

ROFLOLOLOL

*dead*
[User Picture]
From:leviathan0999
Date:February 6th, 2008 01:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Bwahahahahahahahahahah! And stuff.

Had I actually the behaviour of the very large dog owned by a relative of mine who ate an entire pan of pot brownies, that might have been a funnier story... But probably not.
[User Picture]
From:haraheart
Date:February 6th, 2008 08:12 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you. you made me laugh out loud. Hope your day gets better today.
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Date:February 9th, 2008 02:32 pm (UTC)

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From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 12th, 2008 07:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Minion of ths Universe Littera Abacter

Thank you!!
I want to take the time, to send you a note.


I hope you will understandy my printing, and the words

"I do not spell to good"

Between the dog and myself, and two cats.

You are right, I do not feed my pets, dry cat and dog food,
three friends watched thier pets die a horrible death
died, the cat went crazy, we had to put her to sleep.

My first dog, lived to be 27 year of age. She was alive, we had to
put her to sleep, she was a great deal of pain, as old folks get went you grow old, she was blind, and cried all the time.

t was like a death sentene to me..

I have a dog after 20 years have gone, I was worried that many be I am doing wrong,,

Thank-you again
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 12th, 2008 08:00 pm (UTC)

Minion

(Link)
Minion of ths Universe Littera Abacter

Thank you!!
I want to take the time, to send you a note.


I hope you will understandy my printing, and the words

"I do not spell to good"

Between the dog and myself, and two cats.

You are right, I do not feed my pets, dry cat and dog food,
three friends watched thier pets die a horrible death
died, the cat went crazy, we had to put her to sleep.

My first dog, lived to be 27 year of age. She was alive, we had to
put her to sleep, she was a great deal of pain, as old folks get went you grow old, she was blind, and cried all the time.

t was like a death sentene to me..

I have a dog after 20 years have gone, I was worried that many be I am doing wrong,,

Thank-you again
[User Picture]
From:ifimust
Date:February 20th, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
(Link)
That is truly amazing. I was sent here when I posted that, in spite of what she might tell you - very convincingly, I might add - my cat had in fact been fed within the last three weeks. In the last three hours, indeed.

However, she would tell you this is falsehood, and look soulfully into your eyes, and gently place a kitten-soft paw upon your nose, to verify her veracity - and her need for immediate applications of gooshyfood.

Thank you. :)

(link posted here

Edited at 2008-02-20 12:40 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:ladyhelen
Date:February 20th, 2008 10:15 am (UTC)
(Link)
*cries laughing*

Simply marvellous :D
[User Picture]
From:araispoetry
Date:February 20th, 2008 11:34 am (UTC)
(Link)
lol thats awesome :-)
[User Picture]
From:purple_ellie
Date:February 20th, 2008 11:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thankyou for the laugh. I have all this to look forward to when our puppy (8 weeks) can reach the counter tops :D
[User Picture]
From:loracs
Date:February 20th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
(Link)
We had a golden retriever years ago who decided to eat a sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap. He was usually so good, I thought nothing of leaving a sandwich out for my partner for lunch. We waited 2 days and about 3 am in the morning out it came on the front room carpet. I requested he make it leave his body the way it went in - all nicely wrapped up, but he did not listen and it was not so neat in the exit.

The same dog once managed to lick about a dozen M&M's from a ceramic bowl on the table. There was just one that he couldn't get. I found it "glued" to the far side of the bowl. And for a 90 lb dog, he did this all very quietly, I was in the next room.

Thanks for the sweet potato story.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:February 20th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC)

laughing so hard I'm crying

(Link)
Just perfect. Especially the bit about living dog home from the funeral.
[User Picture]
From:maddmouse
Date:February 20th, 2008 10:26 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Liek teh icon says.
Be poor.
It's cheaper.
And when life is cheeper.
The less sweet potatoes you need to buy.
I must admit it was fun to read for teh situation..
But I can only imagine the annoyance and agggitation of this.

I suffer from something similar to this on a daily basis.
But off my friend.
>__>;;
And she argues back not so subtly.
D'x

Hugs and happy thoughts for you~
;3
[User Picture]
From:bookwyrm_sr
Date:February 21st, 2008 12:42 am (UTC)
(Link)
*splort*
*chortle*
*wheeze*
Are you sure that your dog isn't a Basset Hound???
(memories of dog poop with green vinyl squeaky-toy frog embedded in it)
(Bassets are genetically programmed to de-squeak all toys within hours of being gifted with same.)
[User Picture]
From:hmms_sio
Date:February 21st, 2008 11:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
This so reminds me of my former Yorkie. He managed to escape from the garden and whenever he was gone, I knew I'd find him in the park accross the street. Once that was in the arms of a very nice lady, who looked at me very accusingly and said: he's starving. I said: he's not. He gets fed more than enough for a York, but he thinks he is a Bouvier de Flandres. And once I found him trying to bring home a whole french baguette, that was bigger than him. He had it crosswise in his mouth and didn't understand that he was much broader now than normally!

[User Picture]
From:brezhnev
Date:February 21st, 2008 03:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Ze widdle slobber monster like dem sweet potatoes, awwww...
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