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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:candidia
Date:November 11th, 2007 09:43 am (UTC)

wonderful

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Currently scaring Japanese people in a small restaurant as I read this and giggle until I cry.

Reminds me of eating baked sweet potato from a street vendor in Nara park last week, and a deer came up and put her nose in my face until I gave her the skin from it. Everyone loves sweet potatoes, you know. =D
[User Picture]
From:kantama
Date:November 12th, 2007 03:52 am (UTC)
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I am now forced to friend you on account of teh funneh.

I hope you're proud.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 12th, 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)

I love the sweet potato story

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I have pet skunks, you can insert skunk where the dog is and you would be peeking in my house....LOL.
[User Picture]
From:soldiergrrrl
Date:November 14th, 2007 02:49 am (UTC)
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I know you're not answering comments any more, but I had to say thank you.

We have a Four-Legged Garbage Disposal What Likes Pickles and Apple Cores, and I think it would be a bad thing for your dog and ours to ever meet.

Thank you.
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From:cmmunchkin
Date:November 14th, 2007 02:58 am (UTC)
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*giggle giggle* :)

Made my way over from soldiergrrl's journal.

I actually have had this experience... I also wandered into the kitchen to investigate a noise, only to find that our darling had partially eaten both of the sweet potatoes I'd just bought.

That were on the counter. :)
[User Picture]
From:cheshi
Date:November 15th, 2007 03:28 am (UTC)
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Oh My God, I have TEARS OF LAUGHTER.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 16th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)

thank-you, your story may have saved my life today

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oh man, that was seriously funny! I have breast cancer and needed a full-on belly laugh today so bad. I found you through a link on the blog Dooce, and it's maybe the best click in months. Crying, laughing. Bless you.
[User Picture]
From:utopiana
Date:November 16th, 2007 07:11 pm (UTC)
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haha i know this feeling all too well, my dog used to open the fridge and the crisper drawer to steal green apples. we tried locking the fridge with a hook and eye, but he flipped it up, so we baby-gated the kitchen and he ate through it, so we bout a think hard plastic one and he pushed it through the doorway, so we made a contraption with a twobyfour much like the inside of a castle door. we finally won! dont give up yet.


From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 16th, 2007 07:41 pm (UTC)

sweet potatoes

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loved this - and it bears a striknig resemblance to goings-on in my own house, mainly involing a golden retriever and raw chickpeas ...
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 16th, 2007 07:43 pm (UTC)

Hilarious.

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Is your dog a beagle? Ihave a beagle and this is so something she would do.
From:westcoastjen
Date:November 16th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)

I feel your pain

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Our dog eats raw potatoes. RAW POTATOES!! We have to hide them in the cabinet! What kind of dog eats raw potatoes?!
[User Picture]
From:trillianphoenix
Date:November 17th, 2007 01:24 am (UTC)
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I know you can't read any more comments - by the by, Heather at dooce.com linked to your page, so no wonder - but this is fucking HYSTERICAL. I was fighting with my boyfriend and reading this made me laugh my ass off. I kind of have you to thank for my sanity.
[User Picture]
From:ravyndamaurot
Date:November 17th, 2007 02:09 am (UTC)
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The link was IMed to me... i have passed it on...after the gasping for air had passed slightly. :)

From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 17th, 2007 02:48 am (UTC)

Another one for the road

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I heart you and your dog.
[User Picture]
From:metallicearth
Date:November 17th, 2007 06:32 pm (UTC)
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Hi there,

I don't think I have any connection to you at all, but saw a link to this on a friend's blog....and oh my god, it was worth the read. So hilarious, I was literally laughing out loud! :-D

And let me tell you, it reminds me all too much of the dog my family used to have, and his one-track, single-mindedness when he found something yummy and tasty that he just had to have.

Thanks for the laugh!

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