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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 21st, 2010 03:29 am (UTC)

I has a sweet potato

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I have five dogs. One's a puppy. Last night he found a bag of rice flour and a lb of butter. I can't blame him. It's my fault. Then after I took the rice flour away, he found it again. Again, it's my fault. I spent quite a bit of my day getting greasy rice flour out of the crevices in my slate floors.
I just thought I'd let you know- you're not the only one. At least sweet potatoes make a sound and are solid. Rice flour does not make a sound and it's solid until you mix it with butter; drool; or later in the evening, stomach fluids- then it's more like glutinous slime.
We must love our dogs!
From:dfloyd8972
Date:June 4th, 2010 04:39 pm (UTC)
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Need I say more, just look at my pic...ha ha ha....I feel your pain.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 16th, 2010 09:45 pm (UTC)

Oh dear GOD

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Here we are, three entire years later, and I'm still re-reading this when I need a laugh and forwarding it to friends who have somehow not seen it yet. My dear, if you write for pay, I will gladly buy your books. Your sense of dialogue and comic timing are rare and wonderful.
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From:tony_m
Date:June 18th, 2010 12:33 am (UTC)
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Well, expect some new traffic... Dark Roasted Blend posted a link to this.

Great story! Reminds me of when one of our dogs once snagged a couple slices of bread. When my mom entered the kitchen she sat on the bread and tried to look all innocent.

"Bread? What bread? I don't have anything." … looks away and whistles. (well, if dogs could whistle she would have)

From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 21st, 2010 11:57 pm (UTC)
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This is just like my Newfy Duffy! He is 200 pounds. he eats and sleeps. He is not a very athletic dog but oh god at food time he jumps and cries and rns like we never feed him :D
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 22nd, 2010 01:09 pm (UTC)
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We never had the pitiful "I am starving forever" look. Our dogs learnt to open the fridge and serve themselves instead. We came home to it wide open one day, but all meat products were accounted for. We were quite perplexed, until we went into the living room and found one pristine cottage cheese container on the floor.
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From:missdew
Date:June 22nd, 2010 03:20 pm (UTC)
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I'd actually read this before, but it came up in StumbleUpon again, so I had to read it again.

Now everyone in my office thinks something is very wrong with me, as I've tried to cover my laughter with coughing and am literally crying, I was laughing so hard.

Thanks for making a crappy morning all the better!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 29th, 2010 07:31 pm (UTC)

My dog, too!

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This post makes me so happy. The bloggess links to awesome things.
Also, for the record, my dog has (on more than one occasion separated by months) stolen potatoes from the kitchen and quietly chewed on them. So quietly, in fact, that nobody noticed out-of-the-place moist chewing noises. Instead, he has to come and whine until someone pays enough attention to him to help him get the wet, dirty, partly-chewed potato out from under the dresser or couch or wherever else the potato had rolled.
After he started whining at the trash can, we gave up and just let him eat the potato.
He never threw up, though. So maybe you should try normal potatoes as opposed to sweet.
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From:merosen3
Date:June 30th, 2010 12:53 pm (UTC)
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Hysterical. You made my day.
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From:britalone
Date:July 4th, 2010 12:10 pm (UTC)
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I read this post thanks to a link from roaming

This has got to be the funniest post I've ever read here! Thank you for brightening my day. And much love to the naughty doggie!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 12th, 2010 09:59 pm (UTC)

Sweet potatoes are good for dogs :)

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http://www.moderndogmagazine.com/articles/10-people-foods-dogs/1896
From:dmaindelle
Date:July 24th, 2010 05:23 am (UTC)

Sweet Potato

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I printed out several copies and took it to my book club pot luck. We did it as a play (three parts the Dog, Me and the Narrator) after dinner. Everyone loved it.
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From:amigone
Date:August 3rd, 2010 06:40 am (UTC)
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Thank you for writing this. My stomach hurts from laughing.
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From:xanateria
Date:August 3rd, 2010 06:41 am (UTC)

ROFL

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OMG So very much the funniest thing I have read in I don't know how long. Oddly enough, I read it with the voice of what I imagine my dog sounds like. Go figure. Thanks for sharing.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 6th, 2010 04:56 am (UTC)

mine now, thanks.

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I'm stealing this and making it my own
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 6th, 2010 03:13 pm (UTC)

Re: mine now, thanks.

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ok!
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From:angelelizabeth1
Date:August 23rd, 2010 02:26 am (UTC)
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Awesomely wicked fun!
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From:evilvillan_1
Date:September 7th, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
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I find this to be the most hilarious thing ever. Stumbled Upon it!
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From:annem69
Date:September 18th, 2010 05:10 am (UTC)

Oh dear!!!!

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My ex-bf's dog used to eat vegetation too. I planted herbs in 2 pots next to the back steps, and he ate those. He also ate a bean tree/bush in our back yard down to the ground over several days.
Our cat likes eating bread, by chewing through the bag and then into the bread. He also chewed into a bag of frozen veges when they were in the shopping bag, next to the fridge, waiting to be put in the freezer. Someone told me he was chewing on something, and I thought they meant the frozen fish in the bag as well, but I was wrong.
Our dog likes cat biscuits, and our cat likes helping him to get them. Twice the cat pushed the box of cat biscuits off the top of the fridge so the dog coyuld tear it open and eat them.
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From:prosperine
Date:September 19th, 2010 02:31 pm (UTC)
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I read this to my love this morning and we both laughed....then karma came and I have had an afternoon chasing my cat around trying to stop her eating a chocolate muffin (literally minutes after I had just given her extra food!!) and being indignant when i took it off her - especially after she had gt it the third time by knocking the entire peddle bin over!!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 20th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC)

I know exactly how you feel...

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Thanks for the laugh... Although, I know exactly how you feel, but for me it is x4. I have four(big)dogs who work together to get things off of our counters and on top of the frig. Then when I discover what ever it is they got into (of coarse I ask them, lol "who did this?") then each one of them will look at the other as if to say she/he did. It is definitely a seeing is believing type of thing. lol I have caught our Retriever being lifted/pushed up on to the counters, by the other three dogs, and then when they see me, the other three dive to hide, while the retriever just sits on the counter as if he is a statue. It is quite hilarious.
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From:scoobiedoggie
Date:September 24th, 2010 07:13 pm (UTC)
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This is so my life LOL

and imagine...I have three dogs....
From:(Anonymous)
Date:October 8th, 2010 08:46 am (UTC)

Root (and other) Vegetables

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That is just hilarious - thank you for sharing :-)))

My dog loves sweet potato, pumpkin, carrot, mushroom, capsicum, beans, peas, corn, pretty much anything that isn't raw celery. No more kitchen scraps! He doesn't manage to get whole ones though!
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From:jennifleur
Date:October 19th, 2010 03:06 am (UTC)
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Best post I've read in a long time... LMAO!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 19th, 2010 03:02 pm (UTC)

Hilarious

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I laughing so hard that I had to stop in the middle and find a tissue for the tears that were pouring out my eyes. Hilarious. Thank you for sharing this moment.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 23rd, 2010 08:55 am (UTC)

Air Force Ones

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Walking in the desert, people badly need sweet spring water. Struggling in adversity, people eagerly want to have true friendship. http://www.airforceones.cc/
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