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06:40 pm: Fic: Cassander (BtVS, PG, Xander/Spike)
Title: Cassander
Author: Littera Abactor
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (meta)
Pairing: Not much of one, but Xander/Spike
Rating: PG
Author's Note: Written for the Batshit Crazy Metafic of Doom challenge.
Spoilers: Throughout all seven seasons.
Feedback: Makes me want to love you all over.

"Fuck this shit. I'm not kidding. Fuck this shit." Xander was up and pacing around the picnic table, windmilling his arms, occasionally pausing to kick the tree. Willow winced every time he did it; after almost a whole year around Buffy, she sort of expected the tree to grow arms and fight back.

"Xander -" Willow edged forward a little bit and mouthed, "Get Giles" at Buffy. Unfortunately, Xander turned in time to catch the last word.

"No. Do not get Giles. This isn't some – some vampire thing, some Watcher thing. This isn't something that can be solved with books."

"Maybe if you just tell us what's wrong..." Willow said invitingly.

"And sit down, because the pacing is really enhancing the crazy," Buffy added.

Xander ignored them both. "You know what? No. Not happening, not to this brown-eyed boy. No. Nyet. Nada."

"Actually, 'nada' means nothing, not 'no,' but - "

"Exactly! And nothing is what is up with that, I'm telling you. Demon girls, and girl demons, and - you know, I thought it'd get better after the praying mantis, I really did. I said to myself, there's no way to go but up. What was I thinking? This is Sunnydale. This is my life. There's always a way to go down."

"Xander - " Buffy moved into his orbit, but he just bypassed her, waving his arms. And then he stopped, staring.

"That's it!" He smacked the tree, hard.

Willow jumped. Buffy crossed her arms and tried to look patient.

"I have it!" Xander was grinning now. It wasn't all that reassuring; it made him look gleefully insane. "It'll save so much trouble." He turned to face them and assumed a serious, saintly expression. "I want you to know I'm not doing this for myself. I mean, it'll be a sacrifice. A big sacrifice. But it'll save you," he said to Buffy, "all that crazy vampire SM stuff, if I do it right." He turned to Willow. "And maybe you'll stay with Oz, even though that wasn't really my fault, and not go all Superwitch, Ruler of the Universe, when Tara, well, you know, and anyway we won't have to do – all that embarrassing, um, stuff. I mean, I have some decency, although there is sort of an appeal to seeing Cordelia get spiked.”

"She's a vampire? I knew it!" Willow bounced up from the table.

Buffy frowned. "She can't be. She walks in daylight. It's hard to believe, but I've seen her."

"No, no, she just – look. I'm not saying I don't sort of like the idea of going out with Cordelia."

"Xander! Yuck!"

"No. It's just – it ends badly. That pretty much sums up my whole love life, actually: it ends badly."

"You don't have a love life, Xander."

"Ah. But I will."

Willow tried to look like that didn't bother her at all. "Well, yes, I assume so, but - "

"No. Listen to me." Xander stood majestically still, arms raised and apart, and deepened his tone. "I have seen the future."

"Uh, Xander..." Buffy stood up and began edging toward the library.

"And don't get Giles! I'm not kidding. I have seen the future, and it sucks."

Willow and Buffy exchanged glances.

"Hear me out, OK? If things continue on this path, I'm going to spend most of my life getting fucked and fucked over by demons and ex-demons and girls who leave me for Angel."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Xander, we've been over this. I like you, I do, but we're just friends. It is not some contest between you and Angel. It's not - "

"No, Buffy, see, I know that now. I know that you and I will never be together, and I really think it's just as well, because I've got some terrible girl mojo on me. Every girl I ever date goes demonic or crazy or both, and I don't want that to happen to you. It's bad enough it happens to Cordy, although mostly what happens to her is the spiking thing, and then she leaves for Angel – "

"What?" Buffy was visibly outraged. "I knew it. I knew it. He's going to fall for her, just like every other guy in this stupid town. What is wrong with your gender?"

"No, no, don't worry about it. It's way in the future, and he really wants you all along. He just can't have you. Can we get back to me, here?"

"Xander, I swear to god I will put a stake through your heart if you don't sit down and tell me what the hell is going on."

"Look. I got this package in the mail. The return address was all smeary. The only part I could read was E-something R-something. Anyway, it was videos, so I watched them. And the thing is – it was our future. On video. In 45-minute installments. With subtitles in Spanish!"

"OK, you're weirding me out a little." Willow was rocking slightly, arms wrapped tightly around her knees, eyes fixed on Xander.

"Like we're in a TV show, you know? And it's named after you! Buffy the Vampire Slayer! No Xander, no Willow, just Buffy!" His eyes were round with outrage, and he was back to pacing. "And it's all just entertainment! Like, see Xander and Buffy and Willow suffer for fun and profit!" He looked pissed. Also insane. Mostly insane. Buffy didn't think it was a good look for him.

"Anyway, a lot of horrible shit happens to us, and I mean that. But the most horrible thing is my love life. It sucks. It sucks with a suckage that has not been sucked since man learned to suck, and speaking of that, I guess I'm going to need to pick that up. But I'm thinking neither of you know how, so I'll just have to have that talk with Larry a little early. And ask a few good questions this time."

Willow's mouth was so far open it was almost perfectly round; Buffy's was tightly closed, but their expressions of shocked disbelief were otherwise identical.

"So I was thinking, no way. Just no fucking way am I going through all that. There's got to be a way out. And talking to you here, now, I realized what it is. I'll just, uh, make the big sacrifice, you know?" The last part didn't sound nearly as sincere as the rest of Xander's speech had; Willow, in fact, remembered him using precisely that tone in second grade, trying to convince everyone that he really hated tapioca pudding so it'd be more of a punishment than anything if they all gave him theirs.

"He's a vampire, so if it turns out my mojo extends to guys, he'll deserve it. No guilt! And he totally checks out my ass when he's tied up in the basement with me, so I know he's interested." Willow emitted a tiny squeak, but Xander was in his own world, lost to squeaking. He got the tapioca tone in his voice again. "It'll be tough, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Xander Harris specialty, in fact."

"Besides," he said, much more quietly. "Those, um, cheekbones." There was an uncomfortable pause. Xander's eyes glazed over and Buffy and Willow both had the sudden, inexplicable desire to give him some time alone.

After a few moments, Xander startled like he'd just woken up from a dream. A good one. He clapped his hands together like he was brushing the dust of demon girls from them. "So, that's settled then. Just gotta wait until Spike shows up. Maybe we can get him his soul early, even, avoid all that chip crap. In the meantime, I'll be getting my gay on."

The silence became all-encompassing, but Xander completely failed to notice. "So, I'll catch up with you girls after school, OK? Gotta talk to Larry, maybe do some Googling. Buy leather pants." He walked off into the school building, moving briskly.

They could hear him talking to himself as he walked away. "Gonna have to watch the hair, too, and maybe join a gym or something, because I looked like Mullet Doughboy there for a while. And, geez, I'm going to need some decent shirts..."

Eventually, Buffy turned to Willow, looking dazed. "He's lost his mind."

Willow snapped her mouth shut. "Oh, I think that's a safe bet."

"Let us never speak of this again."


After a few more seconds, they rose, keeping close together. They moved hesitantly in the same direction Xander had, being very careful not to catch up to him.

Tags: ,


[User Picture]
Date:October 1st, 2004 10:48 pm (UTC)
LOL. That was glorious. However...was the return address, the "E-something, R-something" something I was supposed to get? Because I didn't. I agonized, and still got nothing. But really hilarious. (For the record, I followed the link from the masterlist page) Thanks for sharing.
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2004 03:28 am (UTC)
Thanks a lot! I don't write fic very often - as in, I've only ever written this one and another one - and I was really, really hesitant about posting this on the masterlist. So I very much appreciate the compliment.

And, yeah, the E-something R-something is sort of a joke. It's supposed to be Ethan Rayne. (That's only a reference you'll get if you know the canon, though.) He just seemed like the obvious character to do that to Xander.
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2004 11:29 am (UTC)
Oh, yes. I know Ethan. :D Now I get it. Thanks.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
Date:October 2nd, 2004 01:43 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (It's your fault I posted it at all; I - under my other LJ name - told you I'd show you mine if you showed me yours for this challenge. And there you were, showing yours.)

Yipes. Still can't believe I posted fic publicly and then actually told people where it was.
[User Picture]
Date:October 3rd, 2004 03:32 am (UTC)
Fabulous premise and funny as hell :)
[User Picture]
Date:November 16th, 2004 02:22 pm (UTC)
This was WONDERFUL! I love you. That is all.
[User Picture]
Date:April 29th, 2005 03:24 am (UTC)
See, the characters discover fandom meme usually annoys me because it's a sort of self-insert. But you can do no wrong. Nobly-gay Xander is what makes it for me, I think.
[User Picture]
Date:April 29th, 2005 05:10 am (UTC)
I have often wondered what the Scooby gang would make of the BtVS tv show. Question answered!

I adore that the videos are dubbed in Spanish. Heh. In fact, I adore the whole damn thing. The only way it could be better was if you'd managed to get some tentacles in there, because everything's better with tentacles. ;)
[User Picture]
Date:March 10th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC)
Heeee! In a fit of doing anything but what I am actually supposed to be doing, I decided to go through friends memories and find fic I haven't yet read. And this was one of them, for reasons I do not quite understand currently. Anyway, this is awesome. I love Nobly!Gay Xander. I love the bit about his tragic love life. And especially the "fucked and fucked-over by..." part. Just a great bit of wordplay.

[User Picture]
Date:April 7th, 2006 07:14 am (UTC)
Heh. Very good, giggle-inducing fun. Nice work. :)
[User Picture]
Date:April 7th, 2006 10:40 am (UTC)
Loved it. Figures Xander would have this sort of revelation freak-out.
[User Picture]
Date:April 7th, 2006 02:15 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I'm just so amused that out of all the weirdness and angst of BtVS, Xander decides to fixate on his lack of girly goodness. If your life being straight sucks, turn gay and that in turn will make everything better. I'm also tickled that Ethan sent Xander videos that were subtitled in Spanish, because how else will he know that BtVS is a TV series and not just an elaborate plot? The subtitles just give it that extra oomph of authenticity. Brilliant!
[User Picture]
Date:April 7th, 2006 03:38 pm (UTC)
*Howls with laughter*

But the most horrible thing is my love life. It sucks. It sucks with a suckage that has not been sucked since man learned to suck, and speaking of that, I guess I'm going to need to pick that up. But I'm thinking neither of you know how, so I'll just have to have that talk with Larry a little early. And ask a few good questions this time."

*Falls of chair, still laughing*
[User Picture]
Date:April 9th, 2006 05:08 am (UTC)
LOL! I love it. Those cheekbones! *g*
[User Picture]
Date:April 10th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
omg gosh. thank you

that was amazing. and well so Xander without the hatred. hehehe.
[User Picture]
Date:June 13th, 2006 03:22 pm (UTC)
Bwahahaha!! Iwould so rec this next time I do BtVS recs, but it's already been rec'd in Crack Van. *loves*
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
Kay. That settles it. First the dog thing. Now this, or vice versa.

I'm friending you, like it or not.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
I totally like to be friended, and that goes triple for someone who likes the first piece of fan fiction I ever wrote. Thank you!

*squees excitedly*
[User Picture]
Date:September 15th, 2007 11:43 am (UTC)
Let me start with the fact that I'm really not a fan of fanfic... usually. However, I haven't laughed this hard in ages.

This is brilliant.
[User Picture]
Date:November 17th, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
I love you. You are made of awesome. This fic rocks - I love that Xander fixates on his shitty future love-life as opposed to any of the rest of the weird stuff that happens, and decides that going gay will solve everyone's problems. And of course Ethan's responsible XD
[User Picture]
Date:April 4th, 2009 03:13 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:October 4th, 2010 12:26 am (UTC)
Just came across this recc'd at crack_van, so apologies for being so late to the party. That was just wonderfully crazy in the best way possible. Perfect manic Xander voice and Buffy and Willow being bewildered in the face of the madness. Just brilliant.
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