Minion of the Universe (littera_abactor) wrote,
Minion of the Universe
littera_abactor

Are You Ready for the Zombie Hordes?

Following in the wise footsteps of 30toseoul, I have done a thorough investigation into:

The State of Readiness of My Home for Zombie Attack


Structurally: Our house is earthquake retrofitted so it could probably withstand a substantial amount of zombie battering, but it also has large front windows much less likely to survive the initial assault. (Upside: they'll come in through the windows and immediately get tangled up in the shoe rack and the mystery box we keep just under those windows. This will give us valuable moments to escape. Disorganization is a survival trait, y'all.)

Weapons: Horrible, unless you count the dogs, in which case poor. (One dog would be terrified. The other dog would almost certainly view the zombies as convenient snacks and chewtoys, which would mean we'd need to keep her away from them. Even Labs can be made sick by the rotting flesh of zombies, although you could never convince them of it.) Otherwise, we have no weapons.

We do have several large, sharp kitchen knives, though. And we have a large number of indestructible dog toys, including numerous Galileo bones. You mock, but our dog chews these until they closely resemble Levallois flint axe heads, only with a much lower fracture potential. They are entirely capable of drawing blood - I have several scars from them, in fact - and they are also bulky and heavy. Tied to a haft, they could make serviceable, albeit stone-age, weapons. We also have glass bottles that could be broken in emergency. (The good news: if it turns out to be vampires instead, this house is very well equipped with garlic.)

Zombie influx: Would not be high initially. We are not near any cemeteries. However, once the brain-eating started - this is Los Angeles County. Nine million people live here. Many of them are already lacking significant brain sectors and would thus make easy zombie prey. The zombie expansion factor would certainly be exponential, so early escape would be a must. (This means we will likely die, because we have never been able to do anything in a hurry.)

Initial position: Moderate. We would probably be alerted before the zombie hordes began their local rampage.

Street position: Average. We are located on the middle of the block; I have to assume that zombies would begin at the ends. And, frankly, we would not be at all sorry if they started with the people on the corner, who have the annoying teenage son and who put up the anti-gay marriage signs during the election. Although those people may already be zombies; it would explain a lot. I would feel a little bit bad if the zombies began at the other end of the block; the teenage boy down there may have a garage band, but surely death at the hands of a zombie is a high price to pay for mangling Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit at high volume every Saturday for your entire high school career.

Human traffic: Very low. Nobody walks in LA, after all. Upside: we have high street traffic, and local drivers are very accustomed to using their vehicles aggressively. (Downside: with the beach cities so nearby, many of these people will be deeply concerned about their finish - "I just had it hand-detailed!" - and thus reluctant to ram zombies. They can most effectively be deployed using the famous "baby to the wolves" maneuver.)

Other exits: Good. We have three doors. The zombies are unlikely to discover the back one. And even if they do, they're going to have problems with the door handle. Everyone has problems with that door handle.

Retreat position: Poor. We have to run out the side door to get to the garage. This means exposure to zombies. And this is LA, so retreating without a car is basically impossible.

Escape route: Poor. The freeways would be jammed, and the zombies would be roaming along yanking humans from their aluminum casings and snacking on their brains like it was a cement-based smorgasbord. (Many of them will disappoint the zombies. It is a proven fact that most people remove their brains for safekeeping before using an onramp.)

Defensive base: Unlikely. Our best option might be to flee to Compton or South-Central, where people will be better armed. Another option would be to flee to the nearby mall. Everyone gets lost in there; zombies would be doomed to spend their entire unlives endlessly circling the fountain and trying to go up the down escalator.

Acquiring more weapons: Depends. If we retreat to Compton or South-Central, it's a possibility. Also, because we live in an unincorporated area, there's a gun shop right nearby. (And that creepy surveillance equipment store. That might make a good defensive base, come to think of it; I bet the owners have a really solid zombie preparedness plan.)

Collecting the troops: Poor. This is LA. Nobody lives near anybody.

Riding it out: Depends. If we retreat in the right direction, there are some hotels with kick-ass security and a lot of amenities.

Special weaknesses: One person in this household - and I am naming no names, although I will note that I'll have to go take a shower and a sedative after I finish typing this up - has a zombie phobia. She may prove to be a liability during zombie attack, unless she goes all berserker, in which case she will be useful for covering the retreat of the saner residents. She'd want it that way, really.

GENERAL ZOMBIE READINESS: Poor.

CHANCE OF BECOMING ZOMBIE KIBBLE: High.

STEPS FOR REMEDIATION:
  • Commence training dogs in zombie attack. (Suggested command word: "BRRRRAIIIIIINS.")
  • Purchase ranged weapons in bulk.
  • Line lawn with pointy sticks; zombies are stupid and will step right on them. (Downside: mailman is also stupid.)
  • Ally with the neighborhood seniors; they are, if my experience at my voting station is anything to go by, very likely to survive through sheer orneriness. (Downside: sheer orneriness is not just deployed against zombies.)
  • Investigate entrances to nearby elementary school, with special focus on defensible areas; try to think up something harmless to tell the police if caught so doing.
  • Attend neighborhood council meeting and distribute zombie readiness brochures. (Downside: attending neighborhood council meeting likely to be unbearably painful. May be able to mitigate this through effective pharmaceutical deployment.)
  • Obtain maps of local cemeteries.
  • Purchase frozen brains to use as decoy. (Downside: no good can come of asking a butcher if the brains are "zombie-fresh.")

Are you ready for the inevitable zombie invasion? Evaluate your preparedness today!

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