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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:girlfmkitty
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
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I got this through a link in jarrow. I have cried for I was laughing so hard, I feared I would end up without breath.

And I *heart* your dog for I go through similar things with my bloody cat.

Just brilliant!
[User Picture]
From:t_verano
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)
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(Here via starwatcher307) This is a perfect thing, a thing of joy which I will laugh over forever. My far-distant uncontrollable permanent glee is not much of a reward for you, I realize, considering the Day It Was for you. But I can and do offer much sympathy, since I have a cat who -- when she is STARVING, which is always -- eats paper. With similar persistence and to very similar effect.
[User Picture]
From:kokopoko
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Hysterical!
[User Picture]
From:fashes
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:00 pm (UTC)

oh god sweet potatoes! *cries*

(Link)
The whimsy you display here speaks directly to my soul cavity. ::stalks friends::

And I know aspiring editers who have *scene* The Cutting Edge. Your dedication to slash is... damn.
From:lmarley
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:07 pm (UTC)
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What a hoot! Did you feel better after you wrote it?
[User Picture]
From:scarletts_web
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
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You rule, random dog owning person, I was having a crappy day and then someone posted the link to this and I howled with laughter and shared the link. May your inbox overflow with happy people and your dog provide more comedy.
[User Picture]
From:sixstringcat
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:19 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wolfgang loves sweet potatoes.
Really, he loves all vegetables. He begs for carrots, even if they're next to a steak.

I once had a GSD who opened the fridge on her own and ate an entire HAM while we were at work. Left the wrapper and the bone, but that was it, no survivors.
[User Picture]
From:alfreda89
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:38 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Actually, a small portion of sweet potato would probably be fine -- many good mostly meat foods contain a bit.

However, clearly we see the equivalent of Moi -- don't get between me and the sweet potatoes!

Thanks for a wonderful laugh -- I'm posting the link, because dog owners everywhere must know that it's not just their dog! My dachshund ate half a German chocolate box cake once -- fortunately, it didn't have much chocolate.

(The cats watch with interest, and sample small sweet potato piece left under the table...)
[User Picture]
From:jenlev
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
:::flails and faints laughing:::

i'm so sorry about the unfortunate incident, but your post is pretty much. the. best. thing. ever.

um, pointed this way by thassalia
[User Picture]
From:ruric
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh thank you so much! I have had a crappy day at work and was ready to curl up on the couch and weep. Instead reading this reminded me of my two dogs (sadly after 16 years no longer on this mortal plane) and their escapades in consuming domestic produce.

There was the whole jar of dried lentils incident (piles of glowing orange poop all over the grass); then the sudden ability to jump up and knock jam jars off the sideboard in the kitchen and lick all the jam off shards of broken glass without cutting themselves.

They also had an utter fetish for raw veggies. In their case it was red peppers (they never liked green ones), raw cabbage and carrots. I could not have a veggie rack because they'd constantly burgle it for the above items!

Thank you so much - for making me laugh and reminding me of my two dogs escapades!
[User Picture]
From:skalja
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Dude! Not only are you hilarious, but you use one of my icons! (The foxy one; I'm Tinderblast, who used to help run the now defunct Chamber of Icons.)

Hope your dog's feeling better :). And, uh, that she didn't upchuck anywhere too expensive.
[User Picture]
From:emmaduck
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Okay I had to add a comment too - I'm here from metaquotes too!

My Mum, who has an incredibly naughty chocolate lab puppy, seemed rather glad it wasn't just Coco who had a rather, erm, stubborn tendency to eat anything she wants to, food or not. Her particular favourite is underwear and socks - I don't think anyone in our family has a matching pair of socks left (except me, I value my
sanity
socks too much to live with them)!

Apart from that, and the fact this is a fantastic post, I say you should post your random written-but-not-posted posts more!! :D You have a brilliant way of writing and describing things!
[User Picture]
From:aedifica
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Ohhh my. Thank you! I have a cat, not dogs, but I know the feeling--I've just never been able to write it up so well.

(And yes, I was pointed here by someone who saw the Metaquotes post.)
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