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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:nmissi
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:48 pm (UTC)
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This was beautiful. Utterly brilliant. And, wonder of wonders, it made me like my cat better! ;)

Thank you for sharing it.
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From:kasheri
Date:May 10th, 2007 11:08 pm (UTC)

Pity me, for I have never eaten

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lastscorpion sent me a link to this posting, and I have to say that I think it’s just too funny. My cat, Akane, has also never been fed, ever, and reminds me regularly that if she did not follow a strict regimen of seldom moving, she would surely have expired by now from lack of food.

One lying cat, lying around.
[User Picture]
From:zola
Date:May 11th, 2007 12:13 am (UTC)
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You don't know me either, but thanks for providing the roomies and I with a good laugh :)

We have cats. Cats who are STARVING. They haven't been fed, EVER.

We know just what you mean :D
[User Picture]
From:evil_little_dog
Date:May 11th, 2007 12:21 am (UTC)
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My Evil Ones would've been right there, helping. Of course, these are the ones who pluck tomatoes right off the vine (helpfully, of course, so those [expletive deleted] birds don't get them first- you know, we're SAVING the tomatoes...er, in our stomaches!).
[User Picture]
From:julietvalcouer
Date:May 11th, 2007 01:07 am (UTC)
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Another total stranger (via nmissi's friends list) who is now ded from laugh. Dog doesn't happen to be beagle/part beagle/other hound mix, is Dog? Because that sounds rather like something my parents' bagel hound (beagle/basset mix) would do, if only she had access to the goodness that is sweet potatoes.
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From:psubrat
Date:May 11th, 2007 01:33 am (UTC)
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Here by way of nmissi's journal. I just have to say, thank you for making me laugh (and snort soda out of my nose). That was hilarious. Not so much for you, of course, but for the rest of us.
From:wonderwench
Date:May 11th, 2007 01:41 am (UTC)
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You made my week. All day, i've been calling my husband at work and saying "STARVING.... WOE....!"

[User Picture]
From:fuzzytoedcollie
Date:May 11th, 2007 01:54 am (UTC)
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*crunch*crunch*crunch*

This was very tasty! Thank you for sharing it :)
[User Picture]
From:sailingwest
Date:May 11th, 2007 02:17 am (UTC)
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rotfl.....This was hysterical. Dogs think is such funny ways. Yours and my dog need to meet! With the new furkid nothing is sacred.
[User Picture]
From:mythdude
Date:May 11th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
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I'm joining in on the comments. That was hilarious! Reminds me alot of our current dog.
[User Picture]
From:bliss279
Date:May 11th, 2007 04:26 am (UTC)
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Omg... too funny!!! I am owned by 3 cats, 2 dogs and a chinchilla so I know this kind of stuff all too well. (btw... I was linked here by Jettcat)
[User Picture]
From:wenchlette
Date:May 11th, 2007 05:40 am (UTC)
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omg, this is the win.
[User Picture]
From:goldenretriever
Date:May 11th, 2007 09:34 am (UTC)
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After calming myself down due to hysterical laughter, I am thoroughly convinced that your dog is my dog's long-lost twin.
[User Picture]
From:goldenretriever
Date:May 11th, 2007 09:46 am (UTC)

PS - Evidence of said twindom...

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Damn potato thieves!
[User Picture]
From:penknife
Date:May 11th, 2007 11:56 am (UTC)
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*dies laughing*

*is dead*

At least you've improved my morning. And I will know never to talk to you about sweet potatoes.
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