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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:china_shop
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:13 pm (UTC)
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Tears! Tears of laughter! I want the sitcom: You and Your Dog! With subtitles!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:46 pm (UTC)
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I - I think that sitcom would be terrifying. Particularly if my dog got any kind of creative input.

*shivers*
[User Picture]
From:cofax7
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
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::laughs hysterically::

OMG the dog able to make sweet potatoes appear from the Rift!

Fantastic. I miss having a dog. Mine only ever ate the paint off the bathroom door; much less entertaining.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
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OMG the dog able to make sweet potatoes appear from the Rift!

You laugh now. But this dog will USE HER POWERS FOR EVIL. You will be less mirthful when alien sweet potatoes, aided and abetted by one very drooly dog, take over the universe. *prognosticates grimly*

Mine only ever ate the paint off the bathroom door; much less entertaining.

A friend of mine had a dog who ate a hole through the wall of her breakfast nook. A three-foot hole. In about half an hour, while my friend's husband was sitting at the table right nearby. Dogs: not for the faint of heart. (But they are definitely love, all the same.)
[User Picture]
From:c_regalis
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
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*loves you and your dog both* ♥
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:56 pm (UTC)
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*beams*

Thank you! (Although I would ask you not to tell the dog that. It would only encourage her.)
[User Picture]
From:flyingtapes
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
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oh my god. this is hilarious.

I mean. Bad dog!

::dies laughing::
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
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The thing is, even while I was waving my hands about and shrieking, I knew it was funny. I think the key to dog-owning is only laughing on the inside, because so much of what they do that's bad is also really, really amusing, and if you actually laugh at them, they know they can get away with murder.

Well. My dog knows that anyway, but I don't want to give her any additional ideas.
[User Picture]
From:dine
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
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*makes little wheezy laughing sounds*

I completely lost it reading this - good thing no coworkers were around to witness my total collapse into a giggling heap
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:05 pm (UTC)
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I completely lost it reading this - good thing no coworkers were around to witness my total collapse into a giggling heap

My dogs cause people to behave inappropriately at work!

*very proud*

Does this mean I can add "not work-safe in a totally new way" to my dogs' resumes? (Well. If they had resumes. You know what I mean.)
[User Picture]
From:kassrachel
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:29 pm (UTC)
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::laughing helplessly::

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your pain, and yet -- this is just so hilarious.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:07 pm (UTC)
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*smiles wryly*

When Cassie (the dog in question) was a puppy, I used to tell her: "You know, you're lucky you're so cute. Nothing but adorableness could keep me from THROTTLING YOU." Now I think I will add: "You're also lucky that when you're bad, you're really, really funny." Creative badness! That's my pup!
[User Picture]
From:chalcopyrite
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
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It's a good thing there are no other actual humans in the house, because I suspect the noises I am making would get me committed. As it is, it's just the cats, who are used to me making noises like the mysterious woman in the attic who you never see.

(I thought my dog eating teabags was bad. At least he waits til I'm done with them.)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:50 pm (UTC)
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As it is, it's just the cats, who are used to me making noises like the mysterious woman in the attic who you never see.

Oh, yes. That's the truly great thing about pets: they get used to you. My dogs react with, at most, mild interest to any noises I might make. (Last week, during one of my bouts of sudden violent clumsiness, I shrieked, bonked heavily into a bookcase, and then sort of fell down. After a few minutes, one of the dogs wandered in to see if I'd done anything interesting, ideally involving food. But it wasn't like she was, you know, worried about me. No. I just make odd noises sometimes, and that's the way it is.)

I thought my dog eating teabags was bad. At least he waits til I'm done with them.

Oh, wow. That's something my dogs don't eat, although mostly because they've not yet had the chance. (And now I've cursed myself for sure; the next time I have tea, I'm in trouble.)
[User Picture]
From:hackthis
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
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This is all terribly unfortunte, sweetheart, I know it is, but tomorrow you will realize this is Comedy GOLD, because, well, is it.

Stuff like this? Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato! This makes me want sweet potato fries. Really. *considers buying sweet potatoes at store*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
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This makes me want sweet potato fries. Really. *considers buying sweet potatoes at store*

Hmmm. You've pointed to a possible reason for this madness; while I was in New Jersey for the funeral, I had sweet potato fries. Now I'm wondering if the dog smelled them on me and was making a point. (I wouldn't put it past her. Really not.)

Now I want sweet potato fries, too. I think you should definitely go to the store. And then invite me over to help you eat the fries. *hopeful look*
From:ninja_headcrab
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:36 pm (UTC)
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That, was freakin hilarious!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:53 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!
[User Picture]
From:germankitty
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

In through metaquotes, and "baseball-eating noises" are nothing compared to what a neighbor's dog once produced (with less success than your dog, though):

The people living in the apartment above my inlaws use to have a dachshund. One night, they went out, leaving the dog home alone. They also left a pound of frozen hamburger out to thaw -- in a round metal bowl on the kitchen table.

Late at night, my inlaws started hearing a strange clattering noise from above that lasted well over an hour. Turned out the dog had smelled the meat, managed somehow to push the metal bowl off the table to the tiled floor -- only, the bowl landed upside down, with the meat trapped under it.

Cue in one hungry, frustrated dachshund trying for over an hour to get at her treat, but had no way of lifting or otherwise turning the bowl. She just kept pushing it through the kitchen, bumping on the appliances now and then -- which explained the noise.

Of course, the meat was spoiled anyway, but ... tough luck, dog! *snicker* Consider it payback for the time when you gobbled up a half pound of butter in the car -- then spewed it out again 5 minutes later while your owner was driving.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:38 am (UTC)
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*giggles*

Poor dachshund. (About the meat. The butter, um, well, she asked for that, plus she was probably better off barfing it up than keeping it down, so my sympathies are entirely with the owner. There's nothing quite as fun as having someone throwing up in the back seat while you're trying to keep your eyes on traffic.) And living below her must've been loads of fun that night - our dog bats her water dish around the kitchen when it's empty, and it is LOUD. And we're not underneath her. Yeesh. I pity the dachshund - all that work and no reward! - but I pity your in-laws more.

Thank you! - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
From:quextico
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC)
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Thank you for making me laugh out loud at the office.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:40 am (UTC)
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*beams*

Yay! Open laughter at the office is always good thing. (Unless your boss catches you. Um, no one caught you, right?)
[User Picture]
From:entrenous88
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
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OH no! My toddler-aged niece got a hold of a raw potato, but she only managed one bite before we wrested it out of her tight little fists.

...so what I'm saying is that your dog is more wily and strategic than this fourteen month old.

*sends you heavy duty cleansers*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:55 am (UTC)
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*accepts cleansers with sincere gratitude*

Usually my dog is more wily and strategic than me. Depressing, but true. If she had an opposable thumb, there would be no holding her.
[User Picture]
From:onesweetworld
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:46 pm (UTC)
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I'm over here from metaquotes... HILARIOUS! Hope your day has gotten better and your dog has stopped with the guilt trip!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:44 am (UTC)
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Thank you!

My day did indeed get better - but the dog never stops with the guilt trip. She has learned that big brown eyes can get food out of humans better than anything on earth, and has made guilt tripping into an art form as a result.

*sighs*

She's a very intense dog. Particularly in the presence of food. Or when she's thinking about food. Or when she's hungry.

*sighs some more*
[User Picture]
From:abbylee
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
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I feel for you but oh god I totally hurt something laughing there.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:46 am (UTC)
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Go ahead! Laugh at my angst!

No, really. Do laugh. Because, you know, it is funny - even to me, now that I'm no longer covered in half-chewed sweet potato. (My brother-in-law came by while I was taking a shower, and he said, "Why are you showering at five in the evening?" And I said, "BRIGHT ORANGE VOMIT IN MY HAIR." And then we did not discuss it any more.)
[User Picture]
From:heatermcca
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC)
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Here from metaquotes. Your whole post is made of win, awesome, lols, and soon, soon, the rofflcopters will come for me.

I'm sorry you had to clean up the results of insistent sweet potato sampling, but hope that your day went better. THanks for your post, which, again, was made of win.

[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! Although - "insistent sweet potato sampling" sounds so innocent and good (as compared to "crazed sweet potato THEFT") that I now sort of suspect you of being a public relations shill for my dog. *eyes you warily and waits for you to start saying, "Hey! You should give treats to your dog!"*
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