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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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[User Picture]
Date:August 10th, 2007 05:23 am (UTC)
I started crying, a little, at the butternut squash. *ahhahahaa* THANK YOU FOR THIS.
Date:August 10th, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC)
OMG that is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thank you!
Date:August 10th, 2007 11:09 pm (UTC)

I laughed, I cried. The cats think I'm spazz, thank you..
[User Picture]
Date:August 11th, 2007 03:29 am (UTC)
I laughed so hard that I cried - my other half is reading it now.
*eyes off the puppy* Hope you're not reading this over my shoulder...
[User Picture]
Date:August 12th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)

Sweet Goddess!

People use LOL and ROTFL all the time, but they don't really mean it. I on the other hand have been laughing out loud, tears running down my face from laughing so hard and now my betrothed thinks me nuts (er, more nuts, that is).

Thank you so very much for sharing this. I must link it to my LJ so my friends can be likewise amused.

>^,^< .
Date:August 14th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC)

::wipes eyes::

I have a story very much like this one only with my old cocker spaniel and brown sugar and raisons.

I'll take your throw-up mess over the one I had. In the kitchen, twice. In my car. In the bathroom.

When I was finally assured that he would live (aside from me wanting to kill him) I finally put him outside. When my (then) husband came home he said, "Oh, why's the poor baby outside?"

I said, "Don't. Let. Him. In. If you do, I'll put you both back outside."

[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC)
AS I am trying to get my cat, who has stomach issues, to eat his food and not everyone elses' while every raccoon and oppossum in the neighborhood suddenly has the runs after eating his stool-softener-spiked dish, I REALLY NEEDED THAT!
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 09:13 pm (UTC)
Doh! That's totally my dog (Jedi), only his problem is Cat Food. No veggies around him nuh-uh. XD
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever read.
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
that was absolutely amazingly hilarious!!! it made my day!!! my dog is kind of like this only with the trash can. mostly he gets into when we're out, but sometimes when he thinks all are sleeping but he. he tries to get into it quietly and i can hear him and i walk up on him real quiet like and scare the shit out of him!!!! it's funny but that's what he gets for eating trash!!
[User Picture]
Date:August 14th, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)
That is about the funniest thing I've read in ages. Thanks for posting this!
[User Picture]
Date:August 15th, 2007 12:50 am (UTC)
LOL! Hilarious!

I have a dog like that... she works with the cats to get stuff off the counter! We now keep a baby gate up to keep her out of the kitchen :)
[User Picture]
Date:August 15th, 2007 05:24 am (UTC)
Oklahoma reporting in. Snuck in thru Rowangolightly. Laughed myself silly and then tried to read it unsuccessfully to my husband. Really, I think I have your dog's 'slow' cousin, "Toby-Wan-Kenobi" so it was just that much funnier. 'Course you understand when tell you that my dog talks to me, too.
[User Picture]
Date:August 15th, 2007 02:11 pm (UTC)
I laugh because I have been through this...although not with a sweet potato. Yet.

alrescate, who has five mischievous dogs of her own
[User Picture]
Date:August 15th, 2007 09:03 pm (UTC)
funniest. post. evah!

thanks for making my day at work... and reminding me of my 4 monsters at home probably getting into something they shouldn't be!
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