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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:jbru
Date:September 17th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
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A dog I used to have stole quite sneakily from a grocery sack an entire rutabaga, took it quietly into her kennel and proceeded to eat it, greens and all. Only the investigation of the strange, quiet, crunching noises alerted us to the crime and by then it was too late. A few scraps were rescued but the deed was done. Apart from the normal effect a ton of extra fiber will produce upon a digestive system, she was none the worse for wear. Since that day, though the dog has since gone to her doggy rewards, we have not purchased another rutabaga.
[User Picture]
From:kayoteelsewhere
Date:September 24th, 2007 12:00 am (UTC)
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Oooooohhhh......this would be great!
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From:dionethoughts
Date:October 12th, 2007 11:13 am (UTC)
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Thank you for the ridiculously funny post. I don't have a dog, but my cat's got some similar behaviors. I'll be linking this to share with my dog loving friends. :)
[User Picture]
From:cuntishness
Date:October 14th, 2007 10:06 am (UTC)

oh my.

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my dog morgan is this way about peaches and moroccan turkey.
though now she feels justified in her behavior...
thank you.
[User Picture]
From:occula
Date:October 31st, 2007 05:52 pm (UTC)
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This is just hysterical. Thank you.
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From:rufus
Date:November 3rd, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
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I am *crying* with laughter. oh man. poor you. thank you for posting this, as it is hilarious.
From:agertietale
Date:November 3rd, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)

OMG you has my life

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How is it you have my life...except I have a cat, not a dog. Wait, let me clarify that, a cat condescends to coexist in my house. I believe she has taken pitty on us poor, pitiful humans and moved in to care for us and train us. She loves sweet potatoes, and she has her ways of of letting us know when it is time to feed the kittah!
[User Picture]
From:morbidimpishfae
Date:November 3rd, 2007 10:42 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for the giggles. :)
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From:wings_on_water
Date:November 4th, 2007 05:26 am (UTC)
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Ahaha. Although you have seventeen pages of comments and I'm sure you've heard it all, this was marvelous. Favorite part:
So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!

So totally a dog POV. We had a black lab who ate a whole dishcloth once. We were very worried since he didn't seem to be pooping it out or anything... He was eating and defecating normally. Then a couple of days later, he threw it up again. Intact. We decided he must have multiple stomachs.

Also (less gross) my mom had a cat once that loved watermelon so much that he almost killed himself knocking a watermelon off a table.

Your dog wins, and I am so totally sharing this. (I came across it from a discussion on what would be worthy entries for a metaquotes hall of fame.)
[User Picture]
From:jira_rd
Date:November 4th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
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A dishcloth?!

... O_O;;; I will definitely relay this story to my mother.
[User Picture]
From:jira_rd
Date:November 4th, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
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Very, very late response. I laughed and snorted and sent it to my boyfriend, who also laughed his ass off.

My dog is like that. My mother cooked a full butt-steak ((rump roast?)), and left it out on the counter. She went upstairs, my father came home 10 minutes later, and found no dinner on the counter, and two dogs and two cats licking their chops.

Goddamned animals are working together. The cats jump up and knock it down, as long as they get a profit of the food. :P
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From:rendia
Date:November 6th, 2007 01:26 am (UTC)
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Wow, this is awesome! I read this in class and couldn't stop laughing! Thank you for sharing this! And if you write stuff like this and usually delete instead of posting, stop that! If this is what your normal stuff is like, I want to read it, it's hilarious. :-D
[User Picture]
From:ladylaryssa
Date:November 6th, 2007 03:14 am (UTC)
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Oh my goodness! My roommate posted a link to this in her LJ, I almost died when I read it, I laughed so hard! No, really, I did, I got cramps in my stomach! @_@;;;
Sounds like the japanese chins at our house!
[User Picture]
From:ladyriv
Date:November 6th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
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A friend of mine posted a link to this, and it has TOTALLY made my morning. I've laughed so hard I can't breathe..

That is SO my dog. Except with Hamlet (who is a 6 month old Great Dane), it's folded socks.. and rocks (yes...rocks), and cardboard.. oh, and anything plastic.

and did I mention the socks?

I've figured out where all of the left socks in the universe disappear to.

My dog, the amazing Black Hole.
[User Picture]
From:amerk
Date:November 9th, 2007 05:21 pm (UTC)
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Ah my, barely kept myself from causing a disturbance at work. Caught this on a link through twitter. Thanks for sharing! =)

Guess it goes without saying I've had these conversations with dogs and my cat...
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