?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Minion of the Universe

Previous Entry Share
02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

Page 3 of 52
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46] [47] [48] [49] [50] [51] [52] >>
[User Picture]
From:moonchylde
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:50 pm (UTC)
(Link)
(via mq)

*dying of the giggles*


I love your dogs. I am very very glad I do not LIVE with your dogs. But I wouldn't mind having video footage of them. ;)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:53 am (UTC)
(Link)
I am very very glad I do not LIVE with your dogs.

They're nice to visit but you wouldn't want to live with them, yup. I totally know what you mean.

But I wouldn't mind having video footage of them. ;)

If I ever get a video camera, YouTube will be full of clips of my dogs. Truly.
[User Picture]
From:silent_ic_river
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:59 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh, this brings back some bittersweet memories of my dogs, thank you!!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:55 am (UTC)
(Link)
Awww. I hope it was more sweet than bitter.

*hugs you*
[User Picture]
From:kitestringer
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*dies laughing* Dogs really are the best comedy around, I think. (Of course, then there's also always the part where you have to clean up the bright orange puke...)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:57 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

Dogs are indeed renewable natural resources of comedy. I think it's that, plus their extreme adorableness, that keeps them in kibble; if they were, you now, Chinese suckerfish, it really would not be worth cleaning up the barf.

(Of course, we wouldn't HAVE barf if certain dogs didn't eat things they were NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT, but these subtle points are lost on dogs. *sighs*)
[User Picture]
From:goombaw
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:20 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Here from metaquotes....

LMAO!

*points to icon, a basset hound* I "baby-sit" him on a somewhat regular basis. About a year ago we had an incident with pepperoni pizza that I thought was out of reach on the very high kitchen table.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:58 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

Awww. The Basset is adorable. (And, yeah. I've been there with the, "But she's so tiny and the food is so far away! Surely it's safe for me to leave it for just two minutes." Dogs can eat a really surprising amount in two minutes, I've learned.)
[User Picture]
From:terrenepixy
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
(Link)
And this is why my dog doesn't go in the kitchen. He's counter height, and will eat anything that fits in his mouth. He even attempted to eat his own doghouse once.
Funny story, actually. In the house I used to live in, we had planted a kaffir lime tree. Why, I haven't the foggiest, but we did. So it was just kind of chilling there, but we never had limes, and no one knew why. So one day, my mum is sitting there, and happens to look out into the backyard where the dog is meandering around, being Large. Apparently, he went up to the lime tree, sniffed it, looked at my mum, and I hear, "THE GODDAMNED DOG IS EATING THE DAMN TREE!" This is quickly followed by the slamming of the back door, and my mum chasing aforementioned Goddamned Dog around the yard for 20 minutes trying to get the lime back.

Also, he eats rocks. And bees.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:02 am (UTC)
(Link)
Is your icon a picture of your dog? Because if so, he's GORGEOUS.

Our other dog is a very large Greyhound and thus at nose height for the counters. And he cannot resist temptation. At all. There have been many tragedies linked to this.

but we never had limes, and no one knew why.

You know, we have a lemon tree that has never given us lemons. And now I'm looking at the dogs very suspiciously. *eyes them* (But did he at least leave you the leaves? Kaffir lime leaves are tasty.)
[User Picture]
From:lunachickk
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
OMG, that was great! And reminds me of the time my roommate's cat walked across the living room while we were watching TV with a baking potato in his mouth.

We kinda looked at each other. ;)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:05 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

And now you have me thinking of researchgrrrl's ferret Sammy (aka Young Master Sampson), who, when she was packing her stuff to move, carefully packed a baking potato in each box. And then, whenever she found them and took them out, patiently put them back.

Oh my god. There's a whole pet/tuber conspiracy going on, isn't there? SOMEONE CALL IN THE AUTHORITIES BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. We can't afford for the pets to have MORE control!

*panics*
[User Picture]
From:gifted
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Aahahaha! My friend linked me here. That was brilliantly humorous. ^^
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:05 am (UTC)
(Link)
*beams*

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
From:slave2tehtink
Date:May 8th, 2007 11:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Here from metaquotes and I am so with you on the pain of having clever dogs who are tall enough to reach the counters. The fawn Doberman girlie in my icon even managed to get ON the counter when she was 12 weeks old. I still haven't figured out how she did that.

Then I learned to put things on the -backs- of the counters, where dogs will not grab them. And they enlisted my youngest cat to knock things off into the floor, where dogs chew them open. I sometimes feel I am besieged in my own home.


On a brighter note, sweet potato is a pretty harmless treat for dogs, and I sometimes dry strips out into a sort of sweet potato jerky to use as training treats for my pair of hooligans.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:09 am (UTC)
(Link)
The fawn Doberman girlie in my icon even managed to get ON the counter when she was 12 weeks old.

Aww. She's so adorable that I cannot believe she would ever do anything bad. *admires*

I sometimes feel I am besieged in my own home.

*nods understandingly*

Oh, yes.

On a brighter note, sweet potato is a pretty harmless treat for dogs, and I sometimes dry strips out into a sort of sweet potato jerky to use as training treats for my pair of hooligans.

Ooo. You know, I may try that. I suspect the vomiting was from the sheer amount eaten (and possibly it was linked to the squash, not the sweet potato); she has sweet potato in her canned food and it doesn't bother her stomach at all. And obviously she'll go to great lengths of sweet potatoes, so...
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:12 am (UTC)
(Link)
Who knew that that sweet potatoes could be so stealthy?

Fortunately, they are very crunchy in their raw state. If they weren't, I would right now be standing in my kitchen all confused: "But where are the sweet potatoes? They were RIGHT HERE."

I wonder what would happen if you dog was suddenly confronted by a swede*?

That's what I'd call a rutabaga, right? Because if so, my guess would be that soon there would be one less rutabaga in the world. My dog is very pro-vegetable. Or, more accurately, she's very pro-vegetable-eating.
[User Picture]
From:raisintorte
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:12 am (UTC)
(Link)
So fantastic.

I just read this out loud to my husband who was pretty much sitting on our dog in order to stop her from destroying everything in the living room.

Her favorite hobby is trying to lick things as I load them into the dishwasher and stealing things off the counter.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:17 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

I just read this out loud to my husband who was pretty much sitting on our dog in order to stop her from destroying everything in the living room.

Is she a puppy? And if so, is she the puppy in your icon? Because, well, she's adorable. And also, you have my sympathy, because the puppy years are HELL ON EARTH; I mean, totally worth it, but when Cassie (the sweet potato dog) was a puppy when I wasn't sure if we had a dog or just a small, very speedy vector of chaos and destruction. After we finally got her bite-inhibited, I had to replace every article of clothing I owned, because everything was covered in little bitty puppy tooth sized holes. (And we also had to replace about half of our household goods. Puppies are HARD.)

Her favorite hobby is trying to lick things as I load them into the dishwasher and stealing things off the counter.

*nods*

Oh, yes. We are supposed to have Cassie on a special diet (...and because our vet knows her, he said, "TRY to keep her on a diet"; he knows when he's asking more than any human can accomplish), and keeping her from licking the dishes as they're being loaded is a constant challenge.
[User Picture]
From:almightyhat
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:13 am (UTC)
(Link)
Here from metaquotes too...

Oh man, I feel your pain.

Our dogs have, over the years, eaten many things. Barbie dolls. Chocolate. Crayons (a cause for concern to my father, until he noticed that as well as red-tinted-poop, there was blue-tinted-poop and yellow-tinted poop. All the colors of the rainbow). Part of the bannister. Part of my brother's bedroom wall. Bread. Lots and lots of bread. Garbage. Lots and lots of garbage. Mice. Pinecones (cinammon scented, so it's a little bit hard to blame Bear, but very easy to go 'What the hell are you DOING? That is a PINECONE' at her). Stuffed animals. Shoes. Underwear. Used paper plates. Feathers. Spiders. Grass, but not for long.

Last week, three-quarters of a lemon cake.

My sister's dog once brought in a young, just-pre-flight dove and proceeded to try to lick it and make it her own. Dove was unharmed, just... covered in drool and a little freaked out. My father took it to a wildlife rescue where they said "This one's almost old enough to manage on its own, and it's not hurt. Why didn't you just put it back in the tree you found it under?"

He replied, "Well, my daughter found it under the kitchen table."

They said, "Oh."
[User Picture]
From:moonchylde
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:52 am (UTC)
(Link)
OMG! My brother's previous dog, a very (very) large dalmation, found a baby possum in the back yard! He woke me up barking in the middle of the night, then brought it to me in his mouth, ever-so-carefully. I thought it was dead, but it was just pretending (okay, I didn't really believe they did that until I actually saw it doing that.) I took it to the local wildlife rescue office... which just happened to be an office-office, and had five women get up from their desks to come coo at it. *snicker* The dog (Chase) was tickled pink that I had saved the baby for him.
From:bretzysdude
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:32 am (UTC)
(Link)
In through </a>metaquotes.
Hilarious. One of our dogs ruined our Easter ham one year. Love how your dog responds. :)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:26 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

And oh, man; I can just imagine the ham thing. I would not want to face the cooking of tasty meats in the same house as our dogs; we're vegetarians, and I have enough trouble just making tofu without seeing a substantial portion of it disappear into certain mouths. (Yes, the dogs love tofu. It's not my fault! They were born liking it! I have told them many times that they are carnivores and not meant to eat tofu, but they never listen to me.)
[User Picture]
From:aurora77
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:53 am (UTC)
(Link)
(here from Metaquotes)

*giggles* Thanks for making me laugh, though I wish it had been a less frustrating experience for you. Reminds me way too much of my cats.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:26 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! And I'd love to hear stories about your cats; I'm finding all these tales of pet badness to be very cathartic. (It's nice to know I'm not alone, for one thing.)
[User Picture]
From:leila82
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:10 am (UTC)
(Link)
I'm here from Metaquotes, and I'd just like to say I'm glad I read this at home, because this post actually made me laugh out loud, hysterically. Although, I also feel bad for laughing at your pain.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:28 am (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. And, really, no need to feel bad; I have to laugh at it myself. (Now that I've no longer got dog barf on me.)
[User Picture]
From:calger459
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:11 am (UTC)
(Link)
*dies laughing* Also in from metaquotes ^_^ My dog unfortunately is rather fond of eating piles of deer poop from the yard, then puking it up cheerfully all over the kitchen rug. We can't let her out unsupervised anymore ^^;;

It should also be noted that an entire package of pretzels doesn't agree with a dog's stomach either, no how much they love the salt...

Gotta love our furry friends ^^
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
(Link)
You have a Sokka icon! I think I love you.

My dog unfortunately is rather fond of eating piles of deer poop from the yard, then puking it up cheerfully all over the kitchen rug.

I think even Miss Canine Manners frowns upon puking up poop on the rug. I mean, other things, yes, but poop; that's just declasse. *sternly cautions your dog*

And, yeah, we can't let our dogs outside unsupervised, either. In our case, the problem is the avocado tree. The dogs believe that it's there to provide them with snacks, should they ever be hungry in the yard. (And they are always hungry in the yard.) And avocado skin is poisonous to dogs. *sighs*
Powered by LiveJournal.com