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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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Date:November 20th, 2007 10:06 am (UTC)

Dayum dogs...

Had a cocker once that hid hardboiled eggs in his big floppy mouth.
When I would tell him to "drop it", he would lower his head thinking I wouldn't notice he had an entire egg in his mouth.
Thanks for the 5 a.m. laugh! =)
[User Picture]
Date:November 20th, 2007 01:40 pm (UTC)
I love this story, what a perfect way to start a Tuesday. I was dying!
Date:November 20th, 2007 01:50 pm (UTC)

Know the feeling

As the owner of three large dogs, one who also happens to work from home, I am right there with you.

I will not be letting them know about this entry, for fear of their discovering the deliciousness that are the root vegetables.
Date:November 21st, 2007 02:01 am (UTC)

Re: Know the feeling

Your dogs work from home? O.O

(I was just here, re-reading this, and stumbled across your comment. My brain went there. Bad brain.)
Date:November 20th, 2007 05:33 pm (UTC)
Great laugh, just when I needed it. You've been dooced it seems. Lol.

Date:November 20th, 2007 05:36 pm (UTC)
Hilarious and well-written.

And it reminds me of my childhood dog who used to eat socks - entire socks, that we would find later in the yard - and who once ate an entire can of cat food, can and all, which was never seen again.
[User Picture]
Date:November 20th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)

you do not need to reply to this, but I just had to say it.

(1) I SO incredibly needed this today, and it helped SO much. I was in tears of laughter by about halfway through the first time, and I cried happily throughout the second reading.

SO needed this.

(2) I was linked here by my friend magdalene1, whom as far as I know has no fannish interests whatsoever (lots and lots of other ones - she is wicked cool, a filmmaker and a foodie and funny and fab - just not a fannish friend). Just thought you'd like to know this is still making the rounds out there.
Date:November 20th, 2007 07:55 pm (UTC)

me toooo

My dog eats sweet potatoes too!! She destroyed three or four of them in my living room and will suck on them for hours on end if I don't catch her right away.
Date:November 20th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
Date:November 20th, 2007 10:43 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*
[User Picture]
Date:November 20th, 2007 10:45 pm (UTC)
Um... that's me, incognito. >> Not that you know me anyway, but still :P
[User Picture]
Date:November 20th, 2007 11:35 pm (UTC)
My dog has also never eaten. EVER. Judging by the way she snaps up every vaguely edible morsel on walks, used to raid the trash can before we figured out that a lid would thwart her, and has even gobbled down entire bars of organic soap. Because, y'know, STARVING. NEAR DEATH. MUST EAT NOW!!

Thank you for this. Hilarious.
[User Picture]
Date:November 21st, 2007 06:26 pm (UTC)
Brilliant and funny. I love this. And my dog eats styrofoam, so don't sweat the sweet potatoes.
Date:November 21st, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC)

thank you

This has brightened my day and made me laugh out loud. I'm sorry for the trouble, but thank you so much for sharing
Date:November 21st, 2007 10:30 pm (UTC)

testing this one...

thanks for the GREAT post! Very useful...
[User Picture]
Date:November 21st, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
I love it!! It reminds me of my dog 100%!!!
[User Picture]
Date:November 22nd, 2007 01:13 am (UTC)
Oh my word. The funniest thing in just about forever. Will be linking from my journal.
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