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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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[User Picture]
Date:March 7th, 2008 02:40 am (UTC)
This is truly one of the best LJ posts, ever. It was so funny I nearly wet myself.

It also made me surprisingly hungry for sweet potatos...

I'm going to post the link to this in my journal. Thank you, so much, for sharing this.
Date:March 11th, 2008 11:51 am (UTC)

thank you!

Thanks for a really good belly laugh. Have had many dogs with remarkable abilities and tastes when it comes to food. One picked only the perfectly ripe black raspberries off the canes with his lips. Another could eat, at dogspeed, a whole bowl of leftovers but miraculously leave mushrooms untouched in the bottom of the now-spotless-if-slimed bowl.

smittenkitchen led me to you!
Date:March 11th, 2008 04:47 pm (UTC)


This is hysterical, especially as I just posted about digging through my dog's mouth in search of some random crap she found and began munching on...
[User Picture]
Date:March 11th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC)
This was awesome!!! :)
[User Picture]
Date:March 17th, 2008 08:08 pm (UTC)
I think it is the tenth time I am reading this. I am still laughing my ass off.... Every. Single. Time.
[User Picture]
Date:March 18th, 2008 12:14 pm (UTC)
I linked this to my new sweetheart as Monday Funny. He now thinks I'm smarter than I am. I can't find anything this truly funny every week.
Date:March 20th, 2008 04:04 am (UTC)

Sweet potato!

I just keep walking around the house, smiling, saying 'I has sweet potato!"

My cats steal fresh baked bread, but at least they do not throw it up.
[User Picture]
Date:March 23rd, 2008 09:21 pm (UTC)


I lol'd, i am adding to memories. maybe you could cook them for her so the noises aren't so horrid! hope your week is better! XD
Date:March 28th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
I hurt my back the other day and laughing hurts.

I still had to read this to the end - I enjoyed it so much.

One of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Date:April 6th, 2008 03:59 am (UTC)


LR7x86 hi great site thanks http://peace.com
Date:April 8th, 2008 10:35 am (UTC)

What i can find on this forum ? I new here

Hey people. Best canadina pharmacy here:
Date:April 18th, 2008 08:45 pm (UTC)
mind if I add you? that was pure gold!!
Date:April 23rd, 2008 07:01 pm (UTC)

Too Funny

I read this and almost died from not being able to breath, i own a Springer Spaniel and she gets everywhere, she managed to get hold of my £90 DESIGNER SUNGLASSES the other day, totally ruined, not too happy i must say.
After reading this i am glad i am not the only owner of a problematic dog who is constantly eating things that really arn't good for her.
The way you told it made it even funnier, i can just see the dog giving you a look which says "STARVING" honestly, i cried and lost my breath through most of it
Date:May 1st, 2008 08:10 pm (UTC)


great site man thx a href=" http://groups.google.us/group/upornx ">uporn watch</a>
[User Picture]
Date:May 12th, 2008 01:28 pm (UTC)
So. Incredibly. Funny, I have forwarded this link to all my Friends and Relations.



Edited at 2008-05-12 01:29 pm (UTC)
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