?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Minion of the Universe

Previous Entry Share
02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

Page 39 of 53
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46] [47] [48] [49] [50] [51] [52] [53] >>
From:(Anonymous)
Date:July 23rd, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)

I have a Potato Rustler too!!!!

(Link)
I can totally relate to you, at least twice now me and my mum have come home after a day at work/school and found a few potatoes missing and a very happy dog licking her lips!! Are you sure you don't OWN my dog? That is exactly the kind of covnersation I'd have with her!! Hilarious, made my day! My mum actually cried she laughed that much, you seriously wrote about my dog!!!! Great!
[User Picture]
From:keeperofdreams
Date:July 23rd, 2008 11:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I LOL'd so hard.
[User Picture]
From:torrle
Date:July 24th, 2008 12:05 am (UTC)
(Link)
Way awesome. Your 'conversations' are so funny!
[User Picture]
From:caitriona27
Date:July 30th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I was just linked to this since I was having a bad day. Thank you so much for the much needed laugh.. .
[User Picture]
From:chalepa_ta_kala
Date:August 1st, 2008 04:08 am (UTC)
(Link)
Oh dear me.
[User Picture]
From:morganslady
Date:August 1st, 2008 04:14 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I love when I catch mine with something in their mouth that shey shouldn't have,and when I tell them to drop it, they stare at me with the "who me look?"..
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 2nd, 2008 02:06 pm (UTC)

anxzazLpgZmdfG

(Link)
67LUPR vrotmnenogi http://vrotemwnewnogi.gmail.com
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 3rd, 2008 10:16 am (UTC)

ecNInvDnhIkMMAC

(Link)
far.txt;3;3
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 4th, 2008 05:44 am (UTC)

yJZuUmSXNiZLI

(Link)
far.txt;3;3
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 4th, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)

iCBECcdWZpCjsagtfi

(Link)
Sorry,
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 6th, 2008 11:58 pm (UTC)

Thank You SO MUCH

(Link)
Anytime I need a really good laugh I come back here and read this again. And it is STILL hilarious after like the 100th time.

I can't tell you how many times I've narrated this line for one of the animals too:

I had to do it. I haven't been fed. EVER.

Thank you so much for making so many of my days. :D

~Trayce
http://allofapeace.blogspot.com
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 24th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)

that was great thanks for the laugh.

(Link)
I want more... that was great! I will pass this on for others to read.
Thanks
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 26th, 2008 11:29 pm (UTC)

UblhsKCnIESy

(Link)
comment5,
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 27th, 2008 05:33 am (UTC)

JPrHGjJcxJAvgvuwu

(Link)
L2haJd hlgo8G3bdDa2Nx
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 31st, 2008 10:48 am (UTC)
(Link)
Got here from Camilla's blog. As a dog servant myself, I have to say that this is one of the funniest things I have EVER read and I have been reading a long time. I loved it!

M.K.
Powered by LiveJournal.com