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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:celli
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:39 am (UTC)
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I am so, so sorry, but I am laughing so hard I'm crying. I knew the dog was going to puke orange, I just knew it.

*hugs*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:00 pm (UTC)
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The orange puke was inevitable, wasn't it? We could all sense it coming. Except of course for Cassie, the sweet-potato-loving dog. Or maybe she knew it was coming, too, and just didn't care. That would be like her.

*rolls eyes at dog, who has spent the entire day pretending that she has never in her whole life done anything wrong*
[User Picture]
From:_divya_
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:35 am (UTC)
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Oh my GOD, that was the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

Thank you for the Bad Dog report! HEE.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:01 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! (And, wow. If you enjoy Bad Dog Reports, you should've been here for our dog's puppyhood. It was...um. Well, let's say that she made our lives very very interesting, and leave it at that.)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
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Eee OMG! I got all hung up in going to New Jersey and coming back from New Jersey and forgot! I will call you tonight, okay? (I assume you are conferencing right now.)
[User Picture]
From:sojournscoffe
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:53 am (UTC)
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OMG I thought my cats were bad you dogs have nothing on my cat.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:03 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

My dog is probably aiming to win some kind of prize in a local Bad Dog contest. Possibly your cats are competing in the Bad Cat division?
[User Picture]
From:dpolicar
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:53 am (UTC)
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I like your dog.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:04 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! (And I like her, too. Even though I want to strangle her sometimes. I think that dichotomy is the essence of pet ownership, really.)
[User Picture]
From:hrafn
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:57 am (UTC)
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My birds, who are much too small to heist an entire sweet potato, found my reaction to this story worthy of much fluffing and squawking. They were peacefully hunkered down in the palm of one hand, about to doze off, when I started reading. That was brilliantly told.

My parents have a dog who is quite tall enough to steal things off counters and even out of the sink. They find forks and knives strewn about the living room since he got that tall.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:07 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

They were peacefully hunkered down in the palm of one hand, about to doze off, when I started reading.

Awww. I'd feel bad about interrupting their peaceful slumber, but, well, they sound adorable, all fluffing and squawking. *pats birds gently*

My parents have a dog who is quite tall enough to steal things off counters and even out of the sink. They find forks and knives strewn about the living room since he got that tall.

Oh, yes. I feel their pain. Our other dog is a Greyhound, and he is very very tall. I learned the hard way not to leave the lasagna pan to soak in the sink - the sound of a large glass baking dish being slammed around in a sink by a very determined nose is something I'd be just as happy not to hear ever again.
[User Picture]
From:signsoflife
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:02 am (UTC)
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I not ten minutes ago was trying to convince my cat that kitties do not need mangoes.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC)
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Hmmm. Are you sure kitties don't need mangoes? My dogs have successfully convinced me that dogs require mango pieces or they will shrivel up and die, and the same could well be true of cats.

Perhaps you should give your cat some, just in case.
[User Picture]
From:meglimir
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
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... actually ... sweet potatoes, sliced into inch-thick circles and dried to hard crunchiness in a warmish oven overnight, make excellent doggie treats ... we sometimes even cut a hole in the middle before drying and string 'em on a chewable rope ...
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
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*thoughtful*

Ooo, thank you. I may well try that. The dog gets sweet potato in her canned food, and she does well on it, and obviously she likes sweet potatoes. I think the key here is moderation, which is not a concept that comes naturally to her; probably anyone would barf after eating most of four large sweet potatoes and a somewhat elderly butternut squash. But I will try making sweet potato treats and giving them in moderation and see what she thinks.
[User Picture]
From:fleur_de_mort
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
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Here from metaquotes. I can't breathe for the laughing! Oh, man.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
From:gows
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:20 am (UTC)
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Here from a friend of a friend. Luckily, he warned against eating or drinking while reading.

Good thing, too. Otherwise, I'd have chips and salsa all over the keyboard and monitor. HOT salsa. My sinuses would NOT have been pleased.

I am, however, crying from laughing so hard.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

HOT salsa. My sinuses would NOT have been pleased.

But they'd be very very clean sinuses! (And, yeah, ouch. I once got wasabi up my nose. It was, um. A bit unpleasant. Probably better you didn't go there with the salsa.)
[User Picture]
From:wpadmirer
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:26 am (UTC)
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This is completely hysterical, and yes, SO very much DOG.

WP
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! And, yeah, our dog is pretty much the Archetypal Dog. Except way too smart for her own good. (And apparently rather sweet potato fixated.)
[User Picture]
From:carta
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:41 am (UTC)
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omg. that's hilarious.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
From:kinfae
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:47 am (UTC)
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You have officially made me laugh so hard that I teared up.

Beautiful.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. Crying with laughter is a good thing.
[User Picture]
From:rattlecatcher
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:54 am (UTC)
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I can't stop laughing. this is the best thing ever in the history of Best Things Ever.

PS - Cats? Just as much a meld of evil and stupid. See the fella in the icon? Satan fears him.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:20 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

Cats? Just as much a meld of evil and stupid. See the fella in the icon? Satan fears him.

*nods*

I've been told that pets can't go to heaven, but I think what they meant was that pets can't go to hell, because they would take over within three weeks and soon have the entire place reorganized for their comfort and convenience.
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