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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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[User Picture]
Date:January 22nd, 2009 08:53 pm (UTC)
I have had an experience similar to this. My cat, Scorn, and my brother's cat, Lurch, once had a day where they teamed up and went berserk in my mom's house. We peeled potatoes for dinner that night, and put the peelings into the trash can. They dumped the trash over to pull most of the potato peelings out and bat them all over the house. I think a few peels were sacrificed to the kitty stomach gods because there were nibbled on pieces of peelings all over the place.

[User Picture]
Date:January 25th, 2009 06:28 am (UTC)
*friends you, on account of this post is made of win and also I like your list of interests*
[User Picture]
Date:January 28th, 2009 09:56 pm (UTC)
*dies* ohmygod, my girlfriend linked me to this and I'm sat here dying of laughter because I know /exactly/ how that goes!!!!!
[User Picture]
Date:January 28th, 2009 11:31 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 30th, 2009 06:56 pm (UTC)
Crying with laughter and damn near wetting myself as well!

Thanks for sharing. *hides all root veggies*
[User Picture]
Date:January 31st, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC)
*Grabs needle and thread to sew up split sides*

Here via a friend, via a friend, are you a weblebrity yet?!
Date:February 4th, 2009 08:49 am (UTC)


[User Picture]
Date:February 4th, 2009 01:03 pm (UTC)

You are winning!

Drawn to your story via the_hunter who is a story teller who often impresses me - especially with his stories of his dog Willow. If *he* thought *you* were good, I had no choice but to follow.
[User Picture]
Date:February 4th, 2009 02:17 pm (UTC)
Utterly brilliant! Thank you so much for making what has so far been a very aggravating day so much better... You are possibly a genius.
[User Picture]
Date:February 4th, 2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
My friend has just linked me to this - hilarious reading, though it makes me thankful that my dog doesn't steal food! You should tell yours they're lucky because mine only gets fed once a day (though she does try the whole 'I've not been fed' tactic, but it never works!)
[User Picture]
Date:February 4th, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
My best friend is in the process of acquiring a puppy - she has no idea what she is in for! This will teach her, though.

And thank you for sharing!
[User Picture]
Date:February 7th, 2009 06:16 am (UTC)
I bet you're surprised that you're still getting comments to this entry. it was very funny. I dig it.
Date:February 16th, 2009 05:15 pm (UTC)

Sweet Taters

Hey this is Sparky (rescue poodle extrodinare) and I would like to share with you, wiat till they cook the taters they are much better and don't leave as much evedince when you eats them.... my mom starves me and I have found it nessecary to use my kitty siblings to gain access to food such as taters... I hope that they start to feeds you again soon.

Sparky AKA Fariviews Spark Plug
Carolina Poodle Rescue Dog
[User Picture]
Date:February 21st, 2009 11:55 am (UTC)
Just dropping back in to say that I discovered this post about a year and a half ago, shared it around, and it has subsequently become part of our lexicon of running jokes, saying to each other "woe is me, for I have never been fed."
[User Picture]
Date:February 23rd, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC)
I vote that you submit this entry to lj_turns10. I had this in my memories!

Edited at 2009-02-23 07:23 pm (UTC)
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