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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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Date:April 12th, 2009 07:48 pm (UTC)

Thank You!

This made me fall on the floor laughing!! Thank you!
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Date:April 22nd, 2009 05:52 am (UTC)


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Date:April 22nd, 2009 01:00 pm (UTC)
Almost two years later, and this still causes me to make unfortunate sputtering/giggling noises as I try to read this without completely and utterly bursting out laughing.
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Date:April 23rd, 2009 04:06 pm (UTC)
This is comment #1002. Awesome post, btw!
Date:April 24th, 2009 07:20 am (UTC)

I cried laughing so hard

Thank you for this story. I literally cried laughing the first time I read it. My dog ate 7 slices of a pizza once--amongst other things he's eaten, so I can sympathize with you. I also sent a link to your story to all my friends who also howled with laughing.
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Date:April 26th, 2009 04:37 am (UTC)

Sweet Potatoes...

Thank you.
I don't like dogs, but loved this. You've transcended, uh, my um, ...
Got any yams?
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Date:April 28th, 2009 03:18 pm (UTC)
was linked here from Stupidfree_drama.

You've been mentioned as funniest thing read on LJ.

I'd agree. This was spectaclar.
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Date:June 19th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
this is hilarious. i picture all in my mind and, of course i feel sorry for you, but it's so funny at the same time! damn, sweet potatoes!
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Date:June 24th, 2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
Date:July 3rd, 2009 11:56 am (UTC)

Thank you!!!

A friend posted a link to this on his facebook page. I read it while my husband was in the shower and he got out because he was worried about the strange noises I was making, I was laughing so hard. I've also enjoyed all the cute stories posted by your readers. My cats, however, are annoyed with you because: a) the amount of my attention you've commanded is challenging their theory that they alone are the center of the universe, and b) I am now reading your post again-- still laughing out loud-- rather than performing the Sacred Rite of Giving Them Their Canned Food. If you ever visit, one of them will probably pee in your shoe for revenge. That's what they did to me when I had the temerity to marry their butler and usurp some degree of his affection. Even though they're purring and snuggling adorably right now, I can feel the wheels turning in their diabolical litte brains... you've been warned.
Date:August 2nd, 2009 11:09 pm (UTC)

I Has a Sweet Potato

This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time! Reminds me of the dog I had years ago who stole eggs from the hen house, and then told me there was nothing in his mouth! Thanks for sharing!
Date:August 19th, 2009 08:46 pm (UTC)

dogs n sweet 'taters

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! lol :) no, seriously, i've been through the sweet-potato thing before. If i had the motivation to go get the picture and scan it, open it in photoshop, crop it down to a reasonable size, upload it, and copy the link here, i'd have proof. but i don't have that motivation, so imagine if you will, a young pit bull looking very guilty about his bad behavior but very hopeful he will not have to give up his wonderful (albeit stolen) treat (although, in all fairness, he too was starved beyond reasonable expectations, and was only doing what he had to in order to survive.) what silly dogs we have :)
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Date:September 10th, 2009 04:06 am (UTC)
I was just linked to this. I laughed so hard I think I am going to die. Love it!
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Date:September 30th, 2009 03:13 am (UTC)
Oh my. OH MY. I hurt from laughing so hard.

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