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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 19th, 2009 08:46 pm (UTC)

dogs n sweet 'taters

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GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! lol :) no, seriously, i've been through the sweet-potato thing before. If i had the motivation to go get the picture and scan it, open it in photoshop, crop it down to a reasonable size, upload it, and copy the link here, i'd have proof. but i don't have that motivation, so imagine if you will, a young pit bull looking very guilty about his bad behavior but very hopeful he will not have to give up his wonderful (albeit stolen) treat (although, in all fairness, he too was starved beyond reasonable expectations, and was only doing what he had to in order to survive.) what silly dogs we have :)
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From:cienna2000
Date:September 10th, 2009 04:06 am (UTC)
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I was just linked to this. I laughed so hard I think I am going to die. Love it!
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From:marielaf
Date:September 30th, 2009 03:13 am (UTC)
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Oh my. OH MY. I hurt from laughing so hard.

Thanks MILLIONS!
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From:nearlyvalkyrie
Date:September 30th, 2009 07:43 pm (UTC)
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OMG you totally win!!!
Thanks for brightening my entire day :-)
From:(Anonymous)
Date:October 3rd, 2009 01:17 pm (UTC)

Maybe if you trained the dog you might be able to work

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Seriously, how lousy a dog owner are you?
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From:jeanineers
Date:October 10th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)

Re: Maybe if you trained the dog you might be able to work

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I love it when people post snarky replies as anonymous. It demonstrates that they take responsibility for their actions and convictions.

...or maybe not.
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From:theswornsword
Date:October 13th, 2009 12:11 pm (UTC)
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I had a Lab once that ate an entire video tape the plastic casing & he also had a knack for chewing blankets that my cats would bring to him while he was in his cage. Yes, my cats are EVIL.
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From:angiepen
Date:November 6th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
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OMG too funny! rolly-man

Angie
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From:foxrafer
Date:November 6th, 2009 03:31 am (UTC)
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Best laugh I've had in a long time. Thank you!
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From:shegollum
Date:November 7th, 2009 01:26 am (UTC)
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this is great - and oh so close to the life i lead with 2 rather starved (!) corgis. thank you!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 7th, 2009 08:52 pm (UTC)

Fornicating sweet potatoes

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I sent my sweet stupid joyful bad dog to the Rainbow Bridge last week and have cried my body weight in tears. Thank you thank you thank you for making me laugh out loud.
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From:kairi_kiss
Date:November 17th, 2009 07:50 am (UTC)
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thank you for posting this, sorry she was sick.

she can have ALL my squash and sweet potatoes at Christmas, i do not like them, so she can have my share!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:November 18th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC)

Sweet potato thief!

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This is my life exactly with other foods, defection eating, and biting
holes in furniture after a 4 mile walk...I've a year old American Dingo
and, yest, I do need a lobotomy
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From:poofy_whit
Date:November 26th, 2009 12:00 am (UTC)
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Oh, I share your pain. My dogs seem to be Pinky and the Brain reincarnated, in the bodies of a mini dauchshund and a jack russel/american eskimo. It's been 12 years, and I still haven't been able to win. But they sure as hell keep me from getting bored.
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From:aphraeldanae
Date:November 27th, 2009 01:50 am (UTC)
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I wonder if your dog knows our dog. I think it's some sort of canine conspiracy...
From:(Anonymous)
Date:December 4th, 2009 03:10 am (UTC)
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Thank you for posting this!! I was linked here from the Smitten Kitchen food blog of all places. You made a god-awful day of med school so much better! If there are any other incidents please share...you might get me through second year!
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