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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:vintage_moon
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:57 am (UTC)

Many thanks...

(Link)
You have just singlehandedly managed to ameliorate the fact that I have been studying for my Organic Chemistry final for over 12 hours now. My housemate recommended this, and I am quite greatful, as you can see.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)

Re: Many thanks...

(Link)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.

And. Um. Does it take away from your gratitude to know that I actually loved OChem? Because I did. You've brought back happy memories for me. Good luck on your final!
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)

Re: it's not schadenfreude really . . .

(Link)
Thank you!

And at this point, I'm laughing, too. She was just such a dog about the whole thing. (And now, of course, she is doing this routine: "I don't know why you write about me on the internet. I have never done anything wrong ever. Behold, I am an angel brought to earth!"

Fortunately, I am much too familiar with this routine to fall for it.)
[User Picture]
From:fairyjen03
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
(Link)
I want to know what kind of dog you have. because I don't knwo so for some reasion I'm picturing a big wrinkley dog like the one in lady and the trap. i know it's not a bassit hound cause hes taller. but yeah.
very sorry you had a bad day. but you make it so funny in the end:)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Nope, not a wrinkle dog, although those are adorable. The sweet potato dog is a Labrador Retriever - a breed apparently put on this earth to win friends, influence people, and eat everything - and the other dog is a Greyhound (his motto: "Born to sleep.").

And thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed my post.
[User Picture]
From:msilverstar
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
(Link)
That is so funny, we've all been there but most of us can't tell it nearly as well.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:43 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. And, yeah, I'm getting the sense from the comments that everyone really has been there, which makes me feel much much better.

Although I suppose I should actually be worried. The pets are obviously much smarter than we knew, and they are apparently organized and very determined.
[User Picture]
From:jiapa
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes and my jaw got sore. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.

Thank you.

Of course, my cats act starving because they are starving -- their vet ordered me to feed them less. I can't believe my brother was _surprised_ when they stole chicken from the wok, though. I mean, leave food unattended and be surprised when it's stolen? Duh!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Of course, my cats act starving because they are starving -- their vet ordered me to feed them less.

When Cassie, the sweet potato dog, had an attack of pancreatitis, the vet told me that one of the last resort treatments was no food for three or four days. The expression on my face must've been very, um, revealing, because he hastened to assure me that we were a long way from that.

I could only too easily imagine the horror of keeping her off of food for four days. It would be hell for all of us, and the guilt would never end.

So, you know, my sympathies to your cats and to you; having your animals on a diet is never fun.

And, yeah, unattended food is pretty much asking for it. I once left eggs in a pan on the stove and went to tell my Best Beloved something, and I came back to a dog with her tongue in the pan and egg all over her snout. *sighs*
[User Picture]
From:spiffikins
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:50 am (UTC)
(Link)
can't...breathe...laughing too hard...

I'm so sorry you had a Day - but thank you so much for sharing :)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:30 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I'm glad you enjoyed it!

And I'm feeling much better about the Day now. These things always seem better the day after.
From:lastscorpion
Date:May 9th, 2007 05:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
Brilliant anecdote! Hilarious!!! Thanks for posting this!!!

I mean, um, sorry for your trouble with your dog(s).

Bwahahahaha!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:31 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I mean, um, sorry for your trouble with your dog(s).

*grins* Thanks. But we seem to have gotten to the end of the available sweet potatoes in the universe, so things are looking up in these parts.
[User Picture]
From:nepheliad
Date:May 9th, 2007 05:51 am (UTC)
(Link)
griffen's fault.

This has made me miss my dog (see icon) MORE AND MORE AND MORE but STILL.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Awww. I'm sorry your pooch isn't with you - he (she?) looks lovely - but I'm glad you enjoyed the post. (And thanks for telling me how you got here! I always wonder.)
[User Picture]
From:spuffyduds
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:08 am (UTC)
(Link)
HAAAAAAA! Best dog voice ever.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*grins*

Thank you. I've had a lot of practice; my dog is second only to Dief in her communicating-with-humans skill.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:33 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*smiles*

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. (And Cassie the sweet potato dog is happpy you enjoyed it, too.)
From:alainn_mactire
Date:May 9th, 2007 08:57 am (UTC)
(Link)
Brilliant....I was directed here by a friend and laughed so much I linked here from my own journal....

*wipes giggle tears from eyes*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you, both for liking it and for linking to it!

*offers you tissues*

*would offer you a sweet potato, but we're all out, unfortunately*
[User Picture]
From:epistrophia
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
As the number of comments is at 143 as I write this, I'm sure you'll never get round to reading mine, but...

OH. MY. GOD. I haven't laughed that much in ages. Really. You and your dog broke through my fog of university-related stress and grandmother's-funeral-related bleurghness and made me laugh like a drain. A loud drain.

Thank you so much. I mean, I don't envy you or anything, what with the insane vegetable-stealing canines in your house, but GOD I miss my dog...

::wanders away still gurgling with laughter::
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
As the number of comments is at 143 as I write this, I'm sure you'll never get round to reading mine, but...

Oh, no. Even if I don't always reply to comments - and sometimes I don't, because I'm bad like that - I always read them and enjoy them. Thank you for leaving one!

OH. MY. GOD. I haven't laughed that much in ages. Really. You and your dog broke through my fog of university-related stress and grandmother's-funeral-related bleurghness and made me laugh like a drain. A loud drain.

*grins* I'm glad to hear it. (And this was on my first day back after a trip across the country for my own grandmother's funeral, so - I hear you on the funeral stress. Glad my dog could help you with that. She certainly took my mind off - well, pretty much everything but sweet potatoes.)

Thank you so much. I mean, I don't envy you or anything, what with the insane vegetable-stealing canines in your house, but GOD I miss my dog...

Oh, I'm sorry your pooch isn't with you. My dog volunteers to be your substitute dog - provided you have lots of vegetables, of course. I've told her that after this post she will not be welcome in anyone's house EVER, but she is already plotting world domination, so I don't think she heard me.
[User Picture]
From:cappy
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:17 am (UTC)
(Link)
That was brilliantly well written.

As a dog owner, I sorely empathize. (One of mine got the peppermint schnapp's off the top of the fridge~~ the TOP OF THE FRIDGE! (I think he enlisted the aid of a feline in that one) & somehow got the lid off & drank it.

Not pretty. But he sure slept good after. And snored. And belched peppermint.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Thank you!

One of mine got the peppermint schnapp's off the top of the fridge~~ the TOP OF THE FRIDGE! (I think he enlisted the aid of a feline in that one) & somehow got the lid off & drank it.

*cringes*

Oh, wow. I am very glad we don't have any helpful cats around here; combine our dogs' planning ability and determination with a cat's dexterity and ability to jump to high places, and nothing would be safe.

Of course, that implies that things are safe now, which is mostly not the case. I do usually manage to keep us on the right side of chaos, though.

And belched peppermint.

I can imagine. When Cassie the sweet potato dog was a puppy, I had several strawberry pots full of herbs. She ate them. All of them. Over the course of a single afternoon. She spent the next three days smelling like an Italian restaurant. Her breath, in particular, was extremely pungent.
[User Picture]
From:vtladyhawke
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:00 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Oh my gosh....my dog isn't the only one with a penchant for electrical cords?

So far Magnum's managed to chew through:

--An alarm clock WHILE it was plugged in

--A laptop power brick cord

--A coaxial cable lying on the floor (again, plugged in to the cable box)

--The charger for his E-collar

One of these days, he's going to manage to electrocute himself. -_-;;;;

(Although I swear he KNEW what he was chewing with the E-collar....it was in the middle of a whole bunch of other cords, and that's the ONLY thing he chewed.)
[User Picture]
From:adamek
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:48 am (UTC)
(Link)
I had a beagle that loved corn cobs. I think she thought they were bones.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:01 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I must try corn cobs on our dogs. They would probably love them; they love broccoli stems and cabbage cores and basically anything that goes crunch.
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