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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:sparkindarkness
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:59 am (UTC)
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Oh dear gods, I applaud!
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From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

Thank you!
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From:littlebuhnee
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:13 pm (UTC)
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You Dog sounds amazingly similar to my children...

Very funny. :)
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From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC)
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You Dog sounds amazingly similar to my children...

Then we must hope they never meet each other. They would be vectors of destruction for the entire universe.

Very funny.

Thank you!
From:alcinoe
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:20 pm (UTC)
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As someone with a dog that is always hungry I found this completely hilarious! Thanks for making my morning a little brighter. Oh, and sorry that your pain made me happy. :)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
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I am starting to believe that all dogs are always hungry. Apparently, we were confused: we thought they were for companionship. Really, they are for total consumption of all potentially edible items on the planet.

Actually, that makes a scary amount of sense.

And thank you; I'm glad you liked the post. I'm finding it rather amusing to remember, now - it's not as aggravating once it's no longer actually happening.
[User Picture]
From:aukestrel
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:36 pm (UTC)
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O.M.G. The time to read this is not at work when answering the phone and attempting to express empathy for a patient's sister.

(I thought only CATS were that stupid! I have learned something today: sweet potatoes are yummy!)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
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O.M.G. The time to read this is not at work when answering the phone and attempting to express empathy for a patient's sister.

*grins*

Well. No. Not unless that patient's sister has a dog with a tuber fixation.

I thought only CATS were that stupid! I have learned something today: sweet potatoes are yummy!

That's my dog: Miss Educational Canine 2007. (And here's what I learned from her: you can eat most of four sweet potatoes and a fairly ancient butternut squash and still be very very hungry within, oh, five to ten minutes. "Insatiable" is her middle name, apparently.)
[User Picture]
From:vtladyhawke
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:55 pm (UTC)
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Wandered over from [Bad username: metaquotes&quot;], and I felt the need to share a couple dogs-behaving-badly stories of my own. :)

Boone:

Boone was my fiance's GSD. I never met the dog, but apparently Boone had a penchant for herding cats. He would herd the cats into the bedroom, pull the door shut, then lie in front of it and guard the door. Cue his parents and him coming home to pathetic mewing emanating from the bedroom, and one very smug pup!

Mocha:

Mocha was again, another dog I never met, but was previously owned by my fiance. There was one time that my fiance got pizza from Bellasario's in Frederick, MD. (REALLY kickass pizza). He put the pizza in the car, with Mocha in the backseat. Mocha was told not to touch the pizza while he ran into the store for 2 minutes. Fiance comes back, and not only is the pizza gone, but the BOX as well!

Magnum:

Magnum is our current GSD. One night, I was cutting some bread in bare feet, and a small piece of it was hanging off the edge of the counter. Magnum comes up, noses the bread, and I whack his nose to get him to go away. He goes away and comes back with a large heavy bone in his mouth. He then looks at me, looks at the bread, and back at me. He then THREW the bone at my feet to get me to move so he could get the bread. Cue me yelling, and the dog hightailing it to the bedroom. I get to the bedroom and glare at the dog, who has a smug grin on his face. Fiance asks what's wrong, I tell him, and he doubles over laughing.

(He never got the bread, BTW) ;)

Thor:

Thor would eat damn near anything that was within his reach, and on more than one occasion I've come out to the kitchen to see a Husky-face grinning at me from over the breakfast bar. At that point, my usual MO is to yell "THOR, GET YOUR PAWS OFF THE F*$%#@*ING COUNTER BEFORE I TURN YOU INTO FUZZY SLIPPERS!!!" Fortunately, I've been able to nip Magnum's countersurfing in the bud, but I swear he learned that behavior from Thor.

Dogs....gotta love 'em, because otherwise, they'd be dead by now. ;D
[User Picture]
From:liminalia
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:02 pm (UTC)
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Maybe Magnum was trying to trade you the bone for some bread? :P
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From:marjai
Date:May 9th, 2007 12:57 pm (UTC)
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don't have time at work to read 4 pages of comments so forgive me if someone's beaten me to this:

I'M IN UR KITCHEN, EATIN' UR SWEET POTATOES
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:34 pm (UTC)
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AWESOME. I love it. And no, no one has said that yet. Although my dog should have.

...Perhaps I should get her a t-shirt with that on it. Except she would certainly refuse to wear it. But still.
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From:farwing
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:00 pm (UTC)
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Oh my god. Maybe your dog was taken over by aliens? Who love sweet potatoes more than life itself? And, well, when their home planet was destroyed they thought that was the end of all sweet potatoes ever and they mourned, more for the sweet potatoes than for their planet. But in their wanderings through the stars they found that sweet potatoes had evolved on Earth (or things so similar to what they called sweet potatoes as to make no difference) and they rejoiced! Only, due to some confusion, they found that they could only obtain the true sweet potato goodness by possessing your dog. The End.

(I am sleep deprived and it's all the fault of Gerard Way. He may be saving lives but he's also stealing my sleep!)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:47 pm (UTC)
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Maybe your dog was taken over by aliens?

Actually, I think maybe my dog IS an alien. We have only her breeder's word for it that she's an earth creature, and frankly earth creatures aren't usually this intelligent. Or determined. *eyes her warily*

Who love sweet potatoes more than life itself?

...Now I feel like I should give her all the sweet potatoes she wants. Because - tragic story! But with a happy ending, featuring a reunion between aliens and sweet potatoes via my dog! Obviously, I have a duty to...wait. Wait. I think my dog took over my brain briefly. *eyes her even more warily*

He may be saving lives but he's also stealing my sleep!

*thoughtful*

Possibly you should email him and ask him to be hot only during daylight hours. That might help.
[User Picture]
From:gumnut
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:09 pm (UTC)
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Oh god. I don't know who to feel more sorry for, you or the sweet potatoes.

Are you aware that your dog is an active member of Evil Geniuses Incoporated? He rubs shoulders with the likes of Doctor Evil and the Claw from Inspector Gadget :D

Thanks so much for writing up and sharing this. I hope you have recovered fully, along with your dog.

Nutty
(who was referred here by a friend)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:49 pm (UTC)
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I don't know who to feel more sorry for, you or the sweet potatoes.

Well, the sweet potatoes didn't survive, whereas I did, so probably them.

Are you aware that your dog is an active member of Evil Geniuses Incoporated?

I HAD SUSPECTED AS MUCH. God, it makes so much sense! This explains her entire puppyhoood. And adulthood. And sweet potato fixation.

Dear god, if she manages to get one of her EGI cohort to design opposable thumbs for her, the world will surely end.

*panics*
[User Picture]
From:vtladyhawke
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:17 pm (UTC)
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Dog: Attempts to look thwarted

Dog: Does not succeed because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen


So your dog's tail moves in circles too? I call Magnum Helichopter-Tail when he does that. ;)

(Magnum is the bicolor GSD in the picture on my userinfo--Maddux is the one in my icon, if you were wondering).
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:52 pm (UTC)
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So your dog's tail moves in circles too? I call Magnum Helichopter-Tail when he does that.

Only when she's really happy. But, yeah. And, of course, she was deeply pleased with herself yesterday.

Magnum is the bicolor GSD in the picture on my userinfo--Maddux is the one in my icon, if you were wondering

They are both adorable. (And, yes, of course I was wondering. I could look at pictures of dogs all day.) I particularly like Magnum's ears, which show a great deal of devil-may-care character, I think. *admires some more*
[User Picture]
From:puzleves
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:28 pm (UTC)
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*giggles*

To funny! And sounds like quite the test of patience too :P
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:55 pm (UTC)
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Thank you!

And, yeah. My dog is constantly experimenting to determine the working limits of my patience. *sighs*
[User Picture]
From:bellasmommy
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
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I LOLLED SO HARD.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 10:56 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

Glad you enjoyed it!
[User Picture]
From:jelazakazone
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:35 pm (UTC)
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This makes my sleepless two hours in the middle of the night not look quite so bad. Thanks for sharing your ridiculous dog story with us.

By the way, we had a dog that held grudges too and he did things like eat all the yummy dog food out of the pantry and pee on the floor.
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From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:23 pm (UTC)
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*grins* Thank you!

It is a totally ridiculous dog story, isn't it? Glad it made your time up with the kid seem, you know, a little less insanity-causing. (And here's hoping they sleep tonight.)
From:ex_triciasu
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
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I'm in tears here. Dying. I can't remember when I read anything so funny.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:23 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

*offers you tissues and a drink of water*
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From:shayr22
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
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I just laughed OUT LOUD! Thank you so much for sharing that!!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:24 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I hope you weren't, um, in public or at work when you laughed. And I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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From:born_to_me
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:50 pm (UTC)
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I almost died. My 2.5 year old came running in saying "You okay Mommy? What are you doing Mommy?" because I was laughing so hard I had a coughing fit. My Beagle (who, btw, envies your dog for her resourcefulness) is concerned.

Brilliant. Bless your heart... such *cough* fun.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:25 pm (UTC)
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Awww. You scared your toddler with your laughing! That is awesome.

*very pleased*

(Coughing from laughing too much isn't so good, though. That way lies gagging and barfing. *speaks from grim experience*)
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