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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

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[User Picture]
From:susanlawton
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:50 pm (UTC)
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:::falls outta her chair and literally rolls on the floor laughing:::
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:29 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

Glad you enjoyed it!
[User Picture]
From:subverseshun
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:54 pm (UTC)
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My dogs at my folk's house love squash and the like. Of course, the don't steal raw sweet potatos (which probably would make them sick just like your dog) they just eat small portions of leftovers that we'd have.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:30 pm (UTC)
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My dogs eat vegetables when I'm prepping them - they're big fans of zucchini ends, for example - when I'm cooking them, and after we eat. And, apparently, they're also now going to eat them whenever they damn well please.

*sighs*

I am losing this war. I can sense it.
From:fairestcat
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:58 pm (UTC)
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*dies*

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to eat a sweet potato without laughing again.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC)

Thanks for the laughs

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I found this hysterical. I own one of these dogs. Mine has a fondness for premium mixed nuts. I have to tell you, the day AFTER your dogs finds a 5 lb bag of mixed nut....they can shoot squirrels out of trees!!!! Makes sense.....what goes in MUST come out sometime. Why don't dogs chew????
[User Picture]
From:toripink
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:10 pm (UTC)
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Possibly one of the funniest things I have read - I sit opposite my boss and it has been very hard not to burst into tears of laughter!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:33 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. (And, um, sorry about the boss situation, but sounds like you managed all right.)
[User Picture]
From:kethlenda
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:13 pm (UTC)
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*dies laughing*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:37 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. (And oh, that's an adorable dog in your icon.)
[User Picture]
From:black_faery
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:13 pm (UTC)
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Absolutely brilliant! *crying with laughter at work*
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:38 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

*offers you tissues*

[User Picture]
From:the_icequeen
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:22 pm (UTC)
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Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Jesse wants to know if you'll trade his plain white potato for one of your fancy sweet potatoes?
[User Picture]
From:mactavish
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:02 pm (UTC)
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Cruciferous vegetables are also special:

Some dogs chew shoes
[User Picture]
From:mustang_bex1126
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
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omg.... I just hurt myself with the laughing! I think your dog and my cat are freaking related! oh my hell... lol btw... this Rift wouldn't happen to run through Cardiff would it? lol
[User Picture]
From:thetech
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:13 pm (UTC)

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"this Rift wouldn't happen to run through Cardiff would it?"

I was wondering the same thing :)
[User Picture]
From:seph_hazard
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:32 pm (UTC)
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Oh, goodness, I am ded of laughing. Was pointed here by d_floorlandmine. Thank you for cheering me up, I was insanely stressed! [grin]

And oh, this is just. Brilliant. I may be inspired to tell the story of the time we fed the kitten Red Bull.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:42 pm (UTC)
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Thank you! (And extra thanks for telling me how you got here.)

And I must hear the story about the kitten and Red Bull, although I'm sort of afraid that it can only end badly, with various things shredded and/or chewed to death.
[User Picture]
From:k425
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:42 pm (UTC)
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Another one via d_floorlandmine. Weeping with laughter at my desk, hoping no-one comes into the office any time soon!
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 9th, 2007 11:43 pm (UTC)
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*grins*

Thank you! (And thank you for telling me how you got here, too. I'm always curious.) Glad you enjoyed it, and I hope people left you alone for the requisite period of time. (Have you considered a sign for your office door? "Killing Time on the Internet: Do Not Disturb" would be perfect.)
[User Picture]
From:boz4pm
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:51 pm (UTC)
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*is crying (literally) with laughter*

That's a bugger of a day for you, but brilliantly, hilariously written up. Thank you.

(Here via Metaquotes).
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 10th, 2007 01:35 am (UTC)
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Thank you! (And thank you for telling me where you're from.)

And, yeah, it was a sucky day - especially since I'd just come back from a funeral - but in retrospect it is quite amusing. My dogs apparently want to make sure that my life never has a dull moment. (Either that, or they just want their lives to be the complete opposite of dull, and my peace and quiet gets caught in the crossfire.)
[User Picture]
From:gkingsley
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:52 pm (UTC)
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I got here through faithellen, and while I see that you have 4 pages of comments (!!) I just had to say ...

HOW DID YOU GET MY DOG? That's totally something my dog would do. Unfortunately I don't have an icon of my dog so you could say, "hey! How did you get my dog?" But I suspect that he is an owner-bigamist. There can't be two dogs out there that are THAT stupid/smart, can there?
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 10th, 2007 01:41 am (UTC)
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Thank you for telling me where you came from! I'm always curious.

HOW DID YOU GET MY DOG?

Ah, but my dog is a girl. So perhaps I have your dog's feminine side?

There can't be two dogs out there that are THAT stupid/smart, can there?

Actually, apparently there are several dogs out there just like this; the litter my dog came from produced a lot of notorious trouble-makers. And this is notorious by Lab standards, which means they are the kinds of dogs that could, given the right motivation, conquer the world. And what a terrifying world that would be.

...And it occurs to me that you'd better not mention the owner-bigamy idea too loudly in your dog's presence. He'll realize it means getting fed four times a day, and he will find a way to make it happen. And then my dogs will hear about it, and from there, it's a short step to total chaos.
[User Picture]
From:misslynx
Date:May 9th, 2007 02:59 pm (UTC)
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*giggling helplessly*

This is hilarious. I think the best thing about Livejournal is the way it allows a lot our daily stresses to be turned into high comedy. :-)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 10th, 2007 01:41 am (UTC)
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Thank you!

And, yes, that is totally what makes LJ awesome. It helps a lot to type up the more ridiculous things that happen to me; I mean, somehow it's all less aggravating once I've written it out.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 10th, 2007 01:43 am (UTC)

Re: Dogs is our canine overlords

(Link)
HI HI HI HELLO HOW ARE YOU? I HAVE MISSED YOU.

*hugs you*

And, yeah. My dogs. They are...um. Entertaining?

Edible...inedible. Edible...inedible. There is a DIFFERENCE.

Yes, there is. One is the kind of thing you eat, and the other is the kind of thing you eat and then throw up. That is the only difference there is, at least in my dogs' minds.
[User Picture]
From:its_just_me
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
(Link)
That was the funniest recount I have heard in AGES!!. It makes my letter to Riley on note_to_cat pale. I'm going to pass this one around.
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 10th, 2007 01:56 am (UTC)
(Link)
*grins*

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. And thank you for the link - I'm going to have to check out note_to_cat, because it sounds wonderful. ("Dear cat: No, you cannot take over the world. No, not even if you have a really good plan. Oh my god, put down Sun Tzu's Art of War at once.")
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