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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


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[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
thank you for making me snarf out loud at work!

kinda reminds me of my dog, except instead of a sweet potato, it was my dirty underwear... I was finding pieces of cotton panty in her poop for days...
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 09:16 pm (UTC)


My old dog Tree Trunk (he had short stubby legs) loved picking up socks, and running around the house with them in his mouth. We eventually got him some "sock monkeys" with squeaky things inside. Fortunately he never ate either socks or sock monkey.

[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 02:01 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. (And a double thank you for telling me where you found it; I always wonder. Apparently matociquala is an excellent pimp, given the number of people who came here from there.)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:26 pm (UTC)
Your dog is a food ninja.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 02:04 am (UTC)
That is such an accurate observation that I'm stunned to near-silence. (I am never stunned all the way to silence. It's just not in my nature.) FOOD NINJA. That is exactly what she is. It explains so much! The ability to open doors, crates, cupboards, bottles, boxes, plastic bags, my purse, and, on one memorable occasion, our old refrigerator. The way foods just evaporate when she's around. Her many, complex, and nefarious plans, all of which lead to her getting something tasty to eat.

...Oh my god, I am so doomed. What chance do I have against a food ninja?)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:28 pm (UTC)
LOL Been there. Its just as bad when they think thye can get away with things when you are in the room.
(cast: Koda the giant lab pup who despite evidance is well trained ((at my parrents)) and me visting the parents
setting: My bedroom wich has just bearly dog head height objects on it)
Me: *working on novella*
Koda: *dashing into room* hiiii!!!!! I'm a PUPPY!
me: in the words of Trecky monster "go away me bussy"
Koda : I'm Cute and attettion starved!
me: *Not truning around* yes your cute, go away.
Koda *nose in lap* CUTE AND ATTETION STARVED!!
me *push away* not now mama's bussy.
Koada * tries to be stethy about grabbing stuffed animal*
me: For sooth! i hear chewing KODA,! *turns in chair* NO... *puppy eyes ensue* DROP
Koda: *Dropping toy* Finne
me: *moves toy goes back to work*
Koda: *reaches for another*
me: Koooda!
Koda: *looks away* didn't do it!
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:35 am (UTC)
If she's a Lab, my advice is, get used to it. The sweet potato dog is a Lab, so, you know, I've been there. What am I saying? I'm still there. They stay puppies FOREVER, at least in their own minds. And hearts. And attitudes.

And, yeah, Cassie - my Lab - will do the "Can I get away with this? Let's just seeeeeeee..." thing. "You said I couldn't go in this room, but can I put a paw on the lintel? Can I put my nose in the room? Can I put a paw in the room? Can I put two? Can I [repeat ad nauseum]?" And then she prances with delight, because she's Getting Away With Something.


I do love my dogs. I love pretty much every dog ever. But they can be VERY TRYING.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
OK, at one point while reading this I had to get up and walk away from the computer, because I was concerned that if I continued to laugh that hard I was going to do myself an injury of some kind. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read on LJ since misia's Naked Katana Wielding Incident.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:36 am (UTC)

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I give you many points for Safe and Sane LiveJournaling (stepping away before you did yourself an injury). And I totally need a link to that Naked Katana Wielding Incident. It sounds, just going by the title, like something that could really turn a day around.
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)
Brilliant recount ...tooo funny LOL!!

[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:36 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:49 pm (UTC)
Look at that! A talking dog!

Very humorous.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)

That's my pooch, the skilled interspecies communicator. (She can say "Feed me. I'm hungry." in 187 languages.)

And thank you! I'm glad you liked it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)

Made in five mintues

But thought you might appreciate:
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:42 am (UTC)

Re: Made in five mintues

Eeeeee! Thank you.

Date:May 9th, 2007 03:58 pm (UTC)
I am really sorry for your agony of frustration, but I am laughing so hard I cannot breathe.

Thank you!
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:46 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post. And my agony of frustration. Which, okay, was not the world's greatest thing to live through - at one time I thought my dog had cornered the world's supply of sweet potatoes and I foresaw a grim and orange future for us all - but is definitely amusing to remember.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
Best laugh this week.

I nearly died at Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 03:48 am (UTC)
Thank you!

And, yes, my dog is amazing in her ability to forget she's been fed. (On occasion, she convinces me that she hasn't been fed. And then she gets a second meal, and I get to whack myself in the forehead when I remember that I cannot trust my dogs when it comes to food. They will lie like rugs if it gets them a tasty morsel.)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:05 pm (UTC)
And this is why I'm planning to own rats.

*grins* You have the patience of a saint, and that story very nearly made me pass out from laughter.

Thank you so much for sharing this.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:27 pm (UTC)
You mean, your rats won't try to eat the doors, the carpet, your shoes, your dirty laundry (long story there), your phone cord, your modem cable and an old pencil, even after they've had a (disproportionately large) share of your pizza, garlic bread and ice cream?

[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
This was so funny and so vivid that it reminded me of the dog belonging to my husband's ex-girlf, despite the fact that I had never met either the dog or the dog's owner.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 07:14 am (UTC)
Wow, if you have that much of an impression of a dog you've never met, that must have been an amazing animal. I sense that there are some fascinating stories about her. (Or him. The dog, in any case.) *curious*
dog 'n flour - (Anonymous) Expand
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
OMG !!!!! lol !

This was so hilarious !
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 07:21 am (UTC)
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:26 pm (UTC)
This... this is art. Phenomenal.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 07:24 am (UTC)

Thank you! And I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC)


You have my dog's evil twin sister! Lessons learned that might come in handy for you...1.) Only dark chocolate is toxic to dogs, a whole bag of chocolate chip cookies are not. 2.) Fire ant bait is made of corn and not toxic to dogs. 3.) Pot Pourri escapes the digestive tract the same color it went in..but a different smell. 4.)Aluminum foil does not show up on x-rays. 5.) A whole bottle of tums will give your dog kidney stones. 6.) silk flowers come through the digestive tract undisturbed in color and shape!

Glad you can have a sense of humor about your dog's adventures! :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:39 pm (UTC)

Re: OMG!

If you make the mistake of getting your rottie a rope based pull toy consisting of manylots of coloured strings, she will eat it.
The coloured strings will pass through her digestive tract completely unharmed, but will tie her other digestive tract output into something resembling a string of festive and smelly sausages, which you then have to pull through, gently, with a memorable, and as I discovered, nightmarish, popping sound...be warned. You do not want the sort of disturbed sleep I was having for a week after...
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