Log in

No account? Create an account

Minion of the Universe

Previous Entry Share
02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.


[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]


Page 9 of 52
<<[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40] [41] [42] [43] [44] [45] [46] [47] [48] [49] [50] [51] [52] >>
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC)
Oh how I wish my dog was as clever as yours :(
Willow is not smart enough to cause a sweet potato to appear from an open bag of sweet potatoes in an unlocked sweet potato shop on national *All you can eat for free sweet potato day*
However, she is as dumb as a box of hot frogs, and features heavily in one of my books, mainly for being as dumb as a box of hot frogs...
For example, the day she went in to the bathroom, and the door closed behind her. Willow is a rottie of very little brain. She sees herself as an ikkle puppydog, just made for sitting on people's laps. Which is why you will occasionally see local little old ladies sat in my livingroom, with a startled look on their faces and an eight stone sporran trying to lick the back of their eyebrows clean through their ears, nose or any other convenient orifice...but I digress...
Willow does not regard doors as barriers. In fact, I'm almost convinced she doesn't see them at all...if they won't open at the door handle end, then they'll come off the hinges with a bit of a push...but for some unknown reason she forgot this fact when in the bathroom. So she ate her way out through the wall. Which was why I came home to the only house in the street, and possibly on the entire planet, wherein you could sit on the toilet seat and wave to the postman as he pushed letters through the letterbox. Strangely we went through a number of postmen until I got the wall repaired.
Yet she is so timid! I once took her for a walk, and as we went round a tree in one direction she came nose to nose with a rabbit that was being walked on a lead by a wonderfully attractive young lady. I would dearly have loved to have struck up a conversation with her, but I suddenly found myself the proud (?) possessor of an eight stone fur stole that whined at one end and farted at the other...
Ah me...yet she is kind...sometimes she even allows me a small part of the duvet of a night :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
You might not actually want Willow to be any smarter. When we got Cassie, the sweet potato dog, she quickly demonstrated her high intelligence, problem-solving ability, and extreme dedication to taking over the world. And people told us, "It's easier to love stupid dogs."

I didn't really understand that until we got a dumb dog. It's not that it's easier to love him; it would take a great deal of effort to keep me from loving a dog. It's just that it's much less of an ongoing battle of the minds and wills to live with him. (Our dumb dog and Willow would probably get along famously. They could both talk about the evils and horrors of the many terrifying things in the world, like squirrels, and rose bushes, and the vacuum cleaner. They could discuss if the world was ending. (Probable conclusion: Yes.) They could exchange puzzled theories about why some humans seem to be less than delighted to have them in their laps.)

But Willow sounds like a lovely (and lovable) dog. And she is welcome in my house any time. Provided she is supervised at all times, because that door habit of hers can't be fun to live with.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:55 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:50 pm (UTC)
this was great - wonderfully written!

"So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark." that was the funniest part!
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

"So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark." that was the funniest part!


(Dogs are such liars. Their only saving grace is that they don't always lie very well.)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
i know you've heard this a million times... but has literally turned my Day into a ball of giggles... thank you so much!

my Other Half has a dog who does much the same... although luckily he is not allowed in the kitchen for long enough to get hold of my sweet potatoes!!!

thank you thank you thank you x
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:57 pm (UTC)
(I just have to note that you have the best username in the history of ever, at least for fellow telephonophobes. Which I am. <3!)

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the post, and that it made your day more giggle-intensive. (And there are some things that are great fun to hear multiple times, and "Your post made me laugh" is most definitely one of them.)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 04:56 pm (UTC)
Our spaniels had a yearning for parsnips, with similar results. The daughter learned how to open the fridge, and the mother would eat anything with soap on it, so had to be kept out of all bathrooms. She'd lick your legs when you got out of the bath, and chew on any bathroom-related plastic. They burned their tongues licking ovens if meat was roasting inside. They would eat ANYTHING, and yet if you gave them a tablet they would hoard it inside their jowls and spit it out later, soggy and smelly, down the back of the sofa or in the bed.

Thanks for that, it made my day.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:00 pm (UTC)
I'm really rather terrified by the idea that root vegetable cravings might be genetic. I mean, you had a family of spaniels with a parsnip craving, and it might be nurture, but what if it's nature? The root vegetables of the world could be in serious danger.


(Also, your spaniels' interesting eating habits just in general are kind of alarming, particularly if they're heritable. I mean, I have a dog who has to be kept out of the bathroom because he eats toilet paper, but neither of my dogs has ever eaten soap, and I am now very grateful for this. I didn't even realize it was a possibility - I figured, hey, having your mouth washed out with soap is a PUNISHMENT, right? So dogs would not eat it. More fool me!)
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
oh, so you also have discovered the LIE that our dear non rent paying roomates are "carnivores"
we have cats that like macaroni, a cat that will ignore tuna to eat the cracker it was on, and in the distant past a small cat who walked away with sweet potatoes bigger than her head.
our prior dog also found the ENTIRE bag of cadbury chocolate easter eggs, and ....... buried them.... one... at.. a.. time.. in corners of our house, luggage, bookshelves, sofa cushions...
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
I have tried, patiently and with citations from key texts, to explain to the dogs that they are carnivores, and thus don't like vegetables. But, yeah, I'm thinking the key texts are lying, because the dogs don't seem to be buying it.

we have cats that like macaroni

We were somewhat ashamed of ourselves for bringing uncooked pasta to training class as a treat for our dog, but the teacher was not surprised. Apparently quite a few dogs prefer uncooked pasta to, you know, actual dog treats.

a cat that will ignore tuna to eat the cracker it was on

See, now, my dogs would take cracker, tuna, and all. (And if you wiped your hands with a napkin while you were eating it, they would happily eat that, too.)

and in the distant past a small cat who walked away with sweet potatoes bigger than her head.

Oh, good. I feel much better knowing I am not the only one who has a pet with a sweet potato fixation. Yay!
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:02 pm (UTC)
Quite amusing. :)
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:13 pm (UTC)
*weeps with laughter* This is priceless. Thank you!
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:05 pm (UTC)
*offers tissues*

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC)

You may appreciate the comic strip I keep posted in my cube at work and on my fridge at home.


Our dog won't actually eat the sweet potato, but he does like to chew it into teeny tiny shreds. He WILL eat the kitty, um, tootsie rolls. And the goose poo. And... well, lots of things...

I feel your pain, and still can't stop laughing ;-)
Date:May 10th, 2007 08:09 pm (UTC)
I have friends whose dog views the rabbits as hoppy little treat dispensers.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:27 pm (UTC)
lmao. best entry ever.
i read it out loud to bryce.
what do you think dog would say to a muzzle?
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 10:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

And I know precisely what would happen if we put a muzzle on Cassie, the sweet potato dog, because we once tried her on a Gentle Leader, which is a harness for dogs who pull. It goes on over the nose, kind of like a muzzle, except the dog can open her mouth and pant and so on; it doesn't hold the snout shut and isn't uncomfortable or constricting for the dog. (Supposedly.)

So. The instructions say that it may take some time to get the dog used to the Gentle Leader, but after a while they'll love it. So I patiently put it on her and tried to walk her in it. Every day. For four and a half months. And every day, she did a perfect Gandhi impersonation: flopped down, refused to move, totally and perfectly passively resisting. And she gave passersby looks that said, "I am being TORTURED. Why won't you DO SOMETHING?"

Four and a half months and she didn't walk a single step wearing the Gentle Leader. She won. I gave up.

So my suspicion is that she'd do the same, but worse, in a muzzle. *sighs*
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)
This is soo funny and reminds me of the time my dog ate my kids play dough...and threw up...bright blue chunks...

Ick. lol
[User Picture]
Date:May 11th, 2007 12:43 am (UTC)
Oh, man. I can totally imagine the barfing-blue-chunks. (And at least it wasn't red chunks. I used to feed my childhood dog crayons. (I was, like, four. I plead youthful exuberance.) And then her poop would be unfortunate shades of red and orange, and my parents were freaked - until they caught me with the crayons.)

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
Did you write this? I would like to do an illustrated strip from it.
[User Picture]
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:40 pm (UTC)
If you do do an illustrated strip, I would KILL for a copy. :D

Ehrm...maybe not kill, but definitely attempt to eradicate all traces of sweet potato from the realms of Dog.... ^_^
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:37 pm (UTC)
You are a God.
[User Picture]
Date:May 11th, 2007 03:42 am (UTC)
Thank you! Although if I was actually a god, I wouldn't be bested by my own dogs all the time. Surely gods handle these things with style and grace.

[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
With hundreds of comments, I don't suppose you need really needed another. However, you had me laughing hysterically during what's otherwise been a truly lousy day. That warrants a big thank you and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

Your dog doesn't have his own LJ, does he? His interests are rather restricted as one might expect in a canine, but his mastery of the art and science of 'petdom' is absolutely riveting.


[User Picture]
Date:May 11th, 2007 03:45 am (UTC)
With hundreds of comments, I don't suppose you need really needed another.

Need? No. But they're very nice to get, all the same!

Your dog doesn't have his own LJ, does he? His interests are rather restricted as one might expect in a canine, but his mastery of the art and science of 'petdom' is absolutely riveting.

I shudder to think of what our dog would write in a LJ. I suspect the primary themes would be a) the unfairness of humans who go to places and don't take dogs with them, b) the tragedy of inadequate feeding, and c) the evil inherent in the neighborhood squirrels.

Probably mostly b), though. With a side order of, "YAY! I AM EATING!"
[User Picture]
Date:May 9th, 2007 06:44 pm (UTC)
oh that is fantastic

p.s. both cats and kids also do the whole 'i have never been fed, i'm starving, i'm wasting away')

[User Picture]
Date:May 11th, 2007 03:47 am (UTC)
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it.

And, damn. I was hoping that kids at least would be able to remember that they'd been fed at times other than when they were actually eating.
Powered by LiveJournal.com