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Minion of the Universe

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02:29 pm: I Has a Sweet Potato
You know, a lot of times I write up random posts and then don't post them. But Best Beloved just called me, and I could not really explain why I was inarticulate about sweet potatoes, so I said I'd go ahead and post this. That way, she can read it at work and know just what kind of day it has been. (Short version, for those who do not feel like reading the whole post: ARRRRRRG. Fucking sweet potatoes.)

The longer version, summarized in conversation form:

Dog: I am starving.
Me: Actually, no. You aren't starving. You get two very good meals a day. And treats. And Best Beloved fed you extra food while I was gone.
Dog: STARVING.
Me: I saw you get fed not four hours ago! You are not starving.
Dog: Pity me, a sad and tragic creature, for I can barely walk, I am so starving. WOE.
Me: I am now ignoring you.
Dog: STARVING.
Dog: Did you hear me? I am starving.
Dog: Are you seriously ignoring me? Fine.

[There is a pause, during which the dog exits the room in a pointed manner.]

[From the kitchen, there comes a noise like someone is eating a baseball bat.]

Me, yelling: What the hell are you doing?
Me: *makes haste for the kitchen and finds dog there*
Dog: *picks up entire raw sweet potato, which is what was causing the baseball bat noise, and flees for the bedroom*
Me: *chases dog, retrieves most of sweet potato, less the portion which has disappeared into dog's gullet*
Dog: See? STARVING.
Me: ...That can't be good for you. It's a RAW SWEET POTATO.
Dog: I had to do it. I haven't been fed. Ever.
Me: You realize you aren't normal. Normal dogs don't steal raw sweet potatoes.
Dog, sadly: I was badly brought up.
Me: Yes. Yes, you were.
Dog: By people who starved me.
Me: Oh, no. I am not doing this again.
Me: *exits the room, bearing sweet potato*

[There is a pause.]

[There is a noise like someone is trying to eat a baseball bat very very quietly.]

Me: Oh, for the love of GOD.
Me: *heads off to the kitchen*
Dog: I am not eating a raw sweet potato.
Me: You have sweet potato parts all over your snout.
Dog: But you don't actually SEE a raw sweet potato, do you? So maybe that's just - um. A birthmark.
Me: Did you seriously eat a whole sweet potato?
Dog: You don't listen. I told you, I wasn't eating a sweet potato.
Me, searching around fruitlessly: Look. NO MORE SWEET POTATOES.
Me: Oh, what am I saying? This is you we're talking about, here. *goes to hide all the sweet potatoes that are left - which isn't many - in the fridge, because some people cannot be trusted*
Dog: *attempts to look thwarted*
Dog: *does not succeed, because her tail is wagging so hard small cyclones are forming in the kitchen*
Me: *has a very bad feeling about this*

[There is a pause, during which I do not even bother trying to return to what I was doing. I just stand in the computer room, waiting.]

[There is, as I wholly expected, a baseball-bat-eating noise.]

Me, stomping back to the kitchen: OKAY. GIVE ME THE DAMNED SWEET POTATO.
Dog, looking up guiltily: What sweet potato?
Me: THE ONE IN YOUR MOUTH.
Dog: Oh, did you want this? I just, um. Found it. Lying here.
Me: *confiscates the sweet potato and deposits it in the locking trashcan*
Me: Let us say no more about this.
Dog: ...Nooooo! They be stealin' my sweet potato!

[I attempt to remember what I was doing before the sweet potato episode.]

[Some ten minutes later, I succeed, and return to it.]

[NOT ONE MINUTE LATER, I hear a noise with which I have become all too familiar.]

Me, bonking head on desk: Arg.
Me, arriving in kitchen: How did you even get another sweet potato?
Dog, smugly: I have my ways.
Me: Are you punishing me for being away for several days? I was at a FUNERAL, you know. It wasn't FUN.
Dog: How would I know? You didn't take me. You left me here with only one human to look after my needs. One human is NOT ENOUGH.
Me: *shuts dog in bedroom, conducts a sweep of the kitchen to track down all remaining sweet potatoes, wipes up random sweet potato particles from floor, eradicates all traces of sweet potato from house*
Me: *lets dog out*
Dog, sulkily: Oh, so you think you've won.

[I watch her go about her business with the same sense of overwhelming doom that heroines of Victorian novels get when they meet Count Sinistrus Grimblack for the first time.]

[Half an hour later, there is a wetter, juicier eating noise, as though someone was eating a very moist baseball bat.]

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*
Me: Okay. Fine.
Me: *stomps over, empties entire vegetable bowl into trash*
Me: WE JUST WON'T HAVE ANY ROOT VEGETABLES ANYMORE. THERE. ARE YOU HAPPY?
Dog: I'm not even remotely sorry. I told you I was hungry. And you went to a funeral without me.
Me: ARRRRRRRRG.

[A half-hour later, there is another baseball-bat-eating noise from the kitchen. The dog, who apparently does not know how to win gracefully, has found another sweet potato, or possibly caused one to materialize from the Rift.]

Me, hauling chewed sweet potato parts from the mouth of a dog very reluctant to part with them: Oh my god how is this my life?
Dog: Don't you think it would just be easier to feed me?
Me: EVERYONE GO TO THE BEDROOM AND STAY THERE. EAT NOTHING.
Dog: Actually, I feel...um...not so good.
Dog: *throws up* *vomit is very bright orange*

[Unfortunate details ensue.]

Some time later:
Me, attempting to rescue something from the wreckage: So. What have we learned from this?
Dog: Sweet potatoes are yummy!
Other Dog, looking thoughtful: I should pay more attention to crunching noises. Sweet potatoes are probably yummy.
Me: I need a lobotomy.

And that, Best Beloved - and anyone else who made it through that - is What Kind of Day It Has Been.

FUCKING SWEET POTATOES. ARG.

[ETA 6/22/2007: Hi! I can't reply to comments on this entry any more; I'm reading them all, and loving them, but responding is beyond me. So:

If you'd like to link people here, feel free.

If you'd like to leave a comment, please do. They make me happy.

If you'd like to repost or use this elsewhere, please don't; I'd prefer you to link. And no commercial use of my work without my permission, please.

If you see this reposted or used elsewhere, I'd very much appreciate a comment or email - thefourthvine at livejournal dot com - to let me know where.

Thank you for reading!

...And, yes, she has had more sweet potato; I gave it to her when the comments on this hit the tenth page. I figured she'd earned it.]

Comments

[User Picture]
From:redshira
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:37 pm (UTC)
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Can I metaquote you? Because this is fantastic :D
[User Picture]
From:littera_abactor
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:42 pm (UTC)
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Sure! Feel free. (And thank you! I'm glad the story is amusing to someone, because I have gone into Kill on Sight mode for all sweet potatoes. I am death to sweet potatoes at this point. Grrrrr.)
[User Picture]
From:glinda_w
Date:May 8th, 2007 09:56 pm (UTC)
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here from metaquotes. I was managing not to laugh, until:

Me, wearily: What NOW?
Dog, hunched over the remains of a butternut squash: *says something garbled because her mouth is full*


amd then I had to laugh. Am still chuckling.

--g, owned by a cat, but has lived with dogs before; reminds me of the time we all went out to a concert, and came home to find the crumbless remains of a 13"x9" glass pan, which *had* been full of newly-baked applesauce cake, on the floor...
[User Picture]
From:liminalia
Date:May 9th, 2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
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Not as bad as running to the store and coming back to find that your entire pot roast *and* a half-ounce of weed is now in the dog's tummy. That dog slept for *hours*.

(not my dog, ex's dog)

My uncle's German Shepherd once ate an entire 5 lb. can of lard while they were gone, barfed on the couch, and then dragged the throw pillows over to cover up the evidence. Too damn smart, that one was.
[User Picture]
From:mplsvala
Date:May 10th, 2007 02:34 am (UTC)
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Half an ounce! The sleepy beast was lucky not to become an ex-dog.
[User Picture]
From:liminalia
Date:May 10th, 2007 12:55 pm (UTC)
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There is no such thing as a fatal dose of marijuana. It's just not toxic that way. No deaths resulting directly from a large dose of pot have ever been established.....Unless you mean the dog was lucky my ex didn't kill him for eating that much, in which case I agree with you. :P
[User Picture]
From:cutealien
Date:May 10th, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)
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my puppy was found with half its snout buried in a HUGE pot of chili

my dad threw the puppy and the pot onto the back sundeck thinking he would teach it a lesson by letting it eat the chili so he would get sick

he never got sick

we still can't figure out how such a small animal got on the counter

this same dog would later go on to having a taste for shoe laces and SOS pads
From:ex_leopardp
Date:May 9th, 2007 01:34 pm (UTC)

Sweet potatoes <i>are</i> yummy!

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Oh, they beat me to it! I was just going to ask because this entire post is completely quotable!

Btw, thank you. I come via liminalia's LJ. And this, my dear, was PRICELESS. And it made my day.

Now to keep my dogs from reading this...

From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 19th, 2009 12:48 am (UTC)

sweet potato

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omg, i think i swallowed my gum! That had to be the funniest thing i have read in a good long time! Thank you so much for brightening my dull, drab and boring as sin day. Your dialogue with Dog is priceless.
crowe
From:(Anonymous)
Date:May 19th, 2009 01:01 am (UTC)

sweet potato

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omg, i think i swallowed my gum! That had to be the funniest thing i have read in a good long time! Thank you so much for brightening my dull, drab and boring as sin day. Your dialogue with Dog is priceless.
crowe
[User Picture]
From:royan
Date:May 8th, 2007 10:18 pm (UTC)
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My cat's attempt to eat my muesli yesterday pales somewhat.
[User Picture]
From:supremegoddess1
Date:October 9th, 2007 01:02 am (UTC)
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Uh, that's not the same post.
[User Picture]
From:pale_chartreuse
Date:October 9th, 2007 01:49 am (UTC)
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Sorry, I can't find the correct reference. I'll remove the comment.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:March 8th, 2009 06:02 am (UTC)

SweetPotatoCaper

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Being a dog owner/breeder/trainer of sweet potato loving dogs...I laughed uncontrollably. Did you ever find out where she was getting the Beta Carotine rich spuds? On the Bright Side ...Did you know that sweet potato's are good for humans and dogs? That if your dog has the dreaded runs it will stop it? That if your dog is constipated it will help? And finally, that if your dog is overweight the fiber in the Sweet Potato will help fill them up?

Pat yourself on the head - you have a really Smart Dog!!!
Trey
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